there are things that i know about life. with absolute certainty. things that are human nature and to deny them would be delusional. i had this great conversation today with steve about practicing non-attachment. that we humans feel pain as a result of becoming attached to an idea of how we think things should be. we expect a relationship to be a certain way and when it is not - we hurt. this is manifested in anger and sadness.
for lessons in the way of non-attachment i must thank a boy I know. you know - seriously man, way to convince me that things are a certain way. getting me to believe something that seemed absurd to begin with. you had me. and then you rock my fuckin' world and it is beyond me to understand how any of it is possible but clearly i became attached to some expectation of the person you are that was not realistic or true. obviously we both have something to learn about life and pain and thinking things are a certain way when they are not.
all of this reinforces my agnostic and atheistic tendencies. on the agnosticism - i don't know. ever. i experience. what is happening now is real but there can be no belief in an understanding that transcends what is happening at this moment in time. if we are walking home together or cooking and eating together, or fucking - these things are real and relevant in that moment that they occur. i can not expect that you want to fuck tomorrow. i can not expect that you want to see me ever again. there is pain in reflecting on this.
the atheistic tendencies tell me that i create my reality - that i make meaning in my life and so this is how i can cope with the fact that i exist. thankfully - you are not the thing that makes my life relevant. you are the ultimate accessory, the thing that sets it all off. there is value in who i am and the life i live has meaning - to me and to other people and so i create this stunning reality that makes it all worth doing. you bring happiness, make it all more intense - to the point that i question if i should spend any time with you.
fuck. you are such a hedonistic indulgence. there is nothing good about becoming so absorbed in someone else and the moments you spend with them that you can not live your life and get the things done that go beyond them. you are so fucking intense man. it is addictive. i want to be with you every moment of every day - even now - with all your bullshit - i want to immerse myself in you. what a totally shitty feeling.
you told me to go out and find someone better than you - someone who deserves me. i have done that ten times over in the last couple of months. my life will move past you. but i will always - ALWAYS love you and that is something that hurts me every time i think about it because i will never be able to give all of me to someone else, you have claimed a part of me that is all yours and no matter how much i love someone else - there is this tiny and significant piece that is all yours.
it is a terrible and beautiful thing.
3.22.2008
create some good in the world today
there are days when i am conscious of how many excellent people there are in my little world. i think about this and i feel like there is nothing more i want in life than to look around me and be able to see great people. this require effort. it is so easy to be self conscious, to not trust, to be destructive, to criticize and see weakness. our society cultivates this sort of attitude. we are surrounded by war and exploitative capitalism. it makes it hard for me to see the good that is there.
i am learning to see it. because yeah - it matters. i mean, why am i here? if i am conscious of my experience i want to create one that i think is worth having. and it feels good to be happy.
i wake up and i can see the goodness in the world. i am not blind to the bad, but seeing the good makes it easier to create more of it. because everyone wants and needs that in their life.
i am learning to see it. because yeah - it matters. i mean, why am i here? if i am conscious of my experience i want to create one that i think is worth having. and it feels good to be happy.
i wake up and i can see the goodness in the world. i am not blind to the bad, but seeing the good makes it easier to create more of it. because everyone wants and needs that in their life.
3.13.2008
finding balance
laughing woman told me that i will always struggle to decide between my instinct to being a mother and all the energy i have to be out in the world doing and having a career. they are similar in a lot of ways. . . i create, i guide, i lead, i make decisions, i organize, i plan - but one is very personal and the other quite externalized.
i feel this everyday - my son is beautiful, i love him very much. i have found a way to be with him and love the time we spend together. but all the rest of my energy goes into the things i do out in the world.
sometimes i wonder if the two things are at odds with each other. by being a mother i have learned patience. i have learned how to say the same things again and again, in different ways, until i am heard. these are things that serve me in my life when i am not parenting.
i think what i take away from her comments would be this - i create a separation between these two things. in the context of my life they become opposing forces. but there can be balance. my challenge is to find that - not to choose one or the other.
i feel this everyday - my son is beautiful, i love him very much. i have found a way to be with him and love the time we spend together. but all the rest of my energy goes into the things i do out in the world.
sometimes i wonder if the two things are at odds with each other. by being a mother i have learned patience. i have learned how to say the same things again and again, in different ways, until i am heard. these are things that serve me in my life when i am not parenting.
i think what i take away from her comments would be this - i create a separation between these two things. in the context of my life they become opposing forces. but there can be balance. my challenge is to find that - not to choose one or the other.
3.05.2008
things i think about you
i think you live in fear of living the life you want and dream. i think you are afraid of loving me more than i love you. i think you are afraid you can't live up to whatever expectations you imagine i might have for you. i think you want to walk away before i might have the chance to hurt you. i think you can't understand that i accept you just the way you are, that i love you for who you are and want to be.
you go out into the world and surround yourself with superficial relationships and then you call me to talk about how they don't understand you or relate to the things you care about. i wonder why you do this. why you chose this path. i accept it but i don't understand it.
you go out into the world and surround yourself with superficial relationships and then you call me to talk about how they don't understand you or relate to the things you care about. i wonder why you do this. why you chose this path. i accept it but i don't understand it.
2.29.2008
leap year
there are stars tonight.
it has been a while.
we have had rain, ice snow, more rain, sleet, clouds, snow, ice, clouds and rain.
today there was sun and now there are stars.
the sun and the stars make it easier to be happy.
they say that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.
that does not sound so good when you say February. but with global warming - you just don't know anymore and perhaps February it is.
it has been a while.
we have had rain, ice snow, more rain, sleet, clouds, snow, ice, clouds and rain.
today there was sun and now there are stars.
the sun and the stars make it easier to be happy.
they say that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.
that does not sound so good when you say February. but with global warming - you just don't know anymore and perhaps February it is.
thank you
you showed me what it is to be happy.
somehow i had lost it. i existed in a world of sadness. i did not laugh. i did not feel joy. i was so self absorbed, all i could see were my own problems. completely immersed in my own unhappiness.
to rediscover laughter and love for life, to realize how i was and decide to change, to have you there encouraging me to change.
i thank you for this.
whatever we are now (because i am not sure and really i just ignore the question everytime i see you) you gave this to me and it is what i needed in my life.
i love you. i always will. you have affected me in ways that no one else ever has. whatever there is between us, there is the laughter and the joy and these are the things that make life bearable. i look for them in other people and i find them. laughter brings meaning into my life.
sharing in the joy of being with others; this brings so much happiness and purpose to everything i do and you showed it to me, you gave it to me freely when i was too blind to see how it would change my life.
so thank you.
maybe you read this, maybe you know all these things that i share.
perhaps this thank you will go unnoticed.
either way, i am telling the world that you - one small person - changed me and i am but one small person.
but it matters - it really does.
you have set me free.
somehow i had lost it. i existed in a world of sadness. i did not laugh. i did not feel joy. i was so self absorbed, all i could see were my own problems. completely immersed in my own unhappiness.
to rediscover laughter and love for life, to realize how i was and decide to change, to have you there encouraging me to change.
i thank you for this.
whatever we are now (because i am not sure and really i just ignore the question everytime i see you) you gave this to me and it is what i needed in my life.
i love you. i always will. you have affected me in ways that no one else ever has. whatever there is between us, there is the laughter and the joy and these are the things that make life bearable. i look for them in other people and i find them. laughter brings meaning into my life.
sharing in the joy of being with others; this brings so much happiness and purpose to everything i do and you showed it to me, you gave it to me freely when i was too blind to see how it would change my life.
so thank you.
maybe you read this, maybe you know all these things that i share.
perhaps this thank you will go unnoticed.
either way, i am telling the world that you - one small person - changed me and i am but one small person.
but it matters - it really does.
you have set me free.
2.25.2008
what was i thinking?
sometimes i look back on the three years of my life that were spent living in a dirt house and i wonder what went wrong. how did that happen?
do you have things like that in your life? things you believe in. you think you can do it and your whole life is absorbed by it and then it just fizzles.
a lot to learn from it i know, but i can not see it yet.
the only thing i can see about it right now is that there is nothing you can do to ignore who you really are and what you really need in life. nothing at all. try to lie to yourself about what you want and unhappiness fills every nook and cranny.
i knew right from the start that it was not my path, it was a beautiful idea but not my life work. building houses out of the earth, living away from people out in the country. . . not my passion.
i managed to know what i don't want and there must be something to that.
do you have things like that in your life? things you believe in. you think you can do it and your whole life is absorbed by it and then it just fizzles.
a lot to learn from it i know, but i can not see it yet.
the only thing i can see about it right now is that there is nothing you can do to ignore who you really are and what you really need in life. nothing at all. try to lie to yourself about what you want and unhappiness fills every nook and cranny.
i knew right from the start that it was not my path, it was a beautiful idea but not my life work. building houses out of the earth, living away from people out in the country. . . not my passion.
i managed to know what i don't want and there must be something to that.
2.20.2008
sometimes music makes me weep
i love music. it is a huge part of my life. i spent many years training to be a professional musician and my heart was broken by the reality of what that life would mean for me. i decided that i could not emotionally withstand the life of a classical musician.
the intensity. traveling, competition, isolation.
my friend steve called me up one day and told me he had gotten a job and i started to go on about how great it was. . . he said it was in Tokyo and he didn't think he was going to take it.
Tokyo is a long way away.
the choice to let it slip away was hard - letting go of dreams, well that is never easy. i don't think about it often but sometimes i will remember and it makes me weep. sometimes i hear a piece i played or something that reminds me of that part of my life and i just cry and cry.
i still love music. all kinds of music. i am always looking for something new. lately I have been spending a lot of time at Daytrotter - and tonight i found something i feel like sharing. they are playing in bloomington on March 31.
the intensity. traveling, competition, isolation.
my friend steve called me up one day and told me he had gotten a job and i started to go on about how great it was. . . he said it was in Tokyo and he didn't think he was going to take it.
Tokyo is a long way away.
the choice to let it slip away was hard - letting go of dreams, well that is never easy. i don't think about it often but sometimes i will remember and it makes me weep. sometimes i hear a piece i played or something that reminds me of that part of my life and i just cry and cry.
i still love music. all kinds of music. i am always looking for something new. lately I have been spending a lot of time at Daytrotter - and tonight i found something i feel like sharing. they are playing in bloomington on March 31.
2.15.2008
What are you afraid of?
That's what it is all about. We manage the fear.
Courage is acting in the face of fear. Life is full of courageous acts. For some people, going out the door in the morning takes courage. Some people never make it out their door.
Death, food poisoning, spiders, failure, goats, what other people think of me, loneliness, deep water - all these things affect me. They are fears that shape my day.
I don't encounter goats too often, but when I do it is pretty tough to stand my ground. I avoid deep water - so that one is not too terrible.
I have to eat, so I think about the food poisoning thing every day.
Spiders - they are tiny so they can be anywhere. I overcome that fear through knowing what the scary ones look like. My apologies to spiders everywhere as any that are unidentifiable or borderline super scary die if I can't avoid them or if I think they might reproduce in my home.
Death, failure, loneliness - do we all fear these things?
Some people claim they have no fear of death - but is it just courage? Is it that they act in the face of death even though it is deeply terrifying? I sure think so - nothing revelatory about that though.
I guess it is interesting to see fear affect my life. When someone is afraid to love, or afraid to try, or afraid to eat out. . . . It is interesting to see fear shape my life.
I find myself wondering it about strangers on the street or new acquaintances - what are you afraid of.
Courage is acting in the face of fear. Life is full of courageous acts. For some people, going out the door in the morning takes courage. Some people never make it out their door.
Death, food poisoning, spiders, failure, goats, what other people think of me, loneliness, deep water - all these things affect me. They are fears that shape my day.
I don't encounter goats too often, but when I do it is pretty tough to stand my ground. I avoid deep water - so that one is not too terrible.
I have to eat, so I think about the food poisoning thing every day.
Spiders - they are tiny so they can be anywhere. I overcome that fear through knowing what the scary ones look like. My apologies to spiders everywhere as any that are unidentifiable or borderline super scary die if I can't avoid them or if I think they might reproduce in my home.
Death, failure, loneliness - do we all fear these things?
Some people claim they have no fear of death - but is it just courage? Is it that they act in the face of death even though it is deeply terrifying? I sure think so - nothing revelatory about that though.
I guess it is interesting to see fear affect my life. When someone is afraid to love, or afraid to try, or afraid to eat out. . . . It is interesting to see fear shape my life.
I find myself wondering it about strangers on the street or new acquaintances - what are you afraid of.
1.28.2008
an ode to next friday night
i go out
and i meet these people - wonderful people
and as usual they teach me things about life.
this happens every time i set foot out my door and i am still amazed by it.
meeting people who know who i am -
what a curious thought, living in a town long enough that i am familiar and they recognize me
and when the night is over we go our own ways
talouse
it changes my life each time it happens
should i ever start the night with painting and absinthe?
i ask him "what is the best show you have seen in a while"
and he tells me that it is the very same one that i have been thinking of
love the little things like that
how does the universe keep doing this?
how does it show me people who are like me
when i don't even try
and i meet these people - wonderful people
and as usual they teach me things about life.
this happens every time i set foot out my door and i am still amazed by it.
meeting people who know who i am -
what a curious thought, living in a town long enough that i am familiar and they recognize me
and when the night is over we go our own ways
talouse
it changes my life each time it happens
should i ever start the night with painting and absinthe?
i ask him "what is the best show you have seen in a while"
and he tells me that it is the very same one that i have been thinking of
love the little things like that
how does the universe keep doing this?
how does it show me people who are like me
when i don't even try
1.26.2008
big, scary world
i wake up each morning and drag my ass out of bed knowing that it must be done. i would rather stay under the covers, i would rather hide away from the big, scary world but it is impossible.
so i do what i must. i go out into the world and try to be excellent. i try to exceed my own expectations. there is so much potential and possibility for each day and i struggle with realizing even a small piece of it.
i walk to work each day, and as i put one foot in front of the other i tell myself that it will be a great day. i tell myself about all the things i will do, all the people i will see, and how great i will feel at the end of it all.
it works. i make it through my days and back to my apartment where i paint and write and blog. sometimes i go out and make new friends - another big struggle because i have trouble believing that anyone wants to talk to me. but once i start it, once i put myself out there it is not so hard and i am proven wrong.
lately i have started to notice that it seems easier to go out into the world and do what i must. it has not felt like such a terrifying thing. i wonder if someday i will stop thinking about it, will it just be the way i am.
so i do what i must. i go out into the world and try to be excellent. i try to exceed my own expectations. there is so much potential and possibility for each day and i struggle with realizing even a small piece of it.
i walk to work each day, and as i put one foot in front of the other i tell myself that it will be a great day. i tell myself about all the things i will do, all the people i will see, and how great i will feel at the end of it all.
it works. i make it through my days and back to my apartment where i paint and write and blog. sometimes i go out and make new friends - another big struggle because i have trouble believing that anyone wants to talk to me. but once i start it, once i put myself out there it is not so hard and i am proven wrong.
lately i have started to notice that it seems easier to go out into the world and do what i must. it has not felt like such a terrifying thing. i wonder if someday i will stop thinking about it, will it just be the way i am.
1.25.2008
distractions
sometimes i think these 'feelings for someone else' that you keep talking about are how you avoid whatever is really going on. they are irrelevant to me. i don't believe in or care about the excuse that you create. i care about us and what is really going on in our relationship.
talk to me about that.
tell me about us and what you think about,
what are you afraid of, and why do you create this distraction rather than dealing with what is happening between us?
talk to me about that.
tell me about us and what you think about,
what are you afraid of, and why do you create this distraction rather than dealing with what is happening between us?
1.24.2008
it almost was - could have been
there are so many wonderful people in this world.
the greatest tragedy is to realize, when we are busy saying our goodbyes, that i love and respect someone and they love and respect me.
to realize what i have missed - to realize what could have been.
to see that i have missed an opportunity to have a great friendship. . .
it is a great friendship. the affection, dedication, and caring is there.
i just wish that it could have been more.
the greatest tragedy is to realize, when we are busy saying our goodbyes, that i love and respect someone and they love and respect me.
to realize what i have missed - to realize what could have been.
to see that i have missed an opportunity to have a great friendship. . .
it is a great friendship. the affection, dedication, and caring is there.
i just wish that it could have been more.
big man bear hugs
i saw the big man today - he asked me 'how are you'
(he had this look, as though he could read my mind)
and I replied, with a smile, 'I'm well.'
when what i want to say is
i am hurt and angry,
confused and frustrated,
and very sad. . . .
but i am also excited - life is full of changes and possibilities
there is so much opportunity
i love my life
i would not change it for the world
but i am very sad
funny how we do not say the things we really feel
even to the people who really care.
it would bring me to tears and i would end up in a big man bear hug
and that would feel good
but i do not say the things i really feel.
maybe tomorrow i will stop being afraid and tell him the truth
(he had this look, as though he could read my mind)
and I replied, with a smile, 'I'm well.'
when what i want to say is
i am hurt and angry,
confused and frustrated,
and very sad. . . .
but i am also excited - life is full of changes and possibilities
there is so much opportunity
i love my life
i would not change it for the world
but i am very sad
funny how we do not say the things we really feel
even to the people who really care.
it would bring me to tears and i would end up in a big man bear hug
and that would feel good
but i do not say the things i really feel.
maybe tomorrow i will stop being afraid and tell him the truth
1.22.2008
beautiful snow
i learned something tonight
life is all about the people.
beautiful people. they change.
they come and go - you might only know them for a few hours but they are beautiful.
makes life worth living - the people do.
nick, tiffany, mr.Florida - i might never see them again
on a plane tomorrow
but they taught me something about life, about living it
connecting with others - no matter if you know them for minutes or days or hours. sometimes you know them for weeks or years, but that is what makes life worth living.
beautiful people.
beautiful snow.
'you're so pale you look like a cancer patient, but you are so beautiful.'
to meet people so honest - so willing to say what they feel.
live every moment - because you never know when it will be over
or when that beautiful person will be gone from the world forever.
sparkling snow falls as we say our farewells
know them, love them
love life
love the people
and mr.Florida -
love the snow.
life is all about the people.
beautiful people. they change.
they come and go - you might only know them for a few hours but they are beautiful.
makes life worth living - the people do.
nick, tiffany, mr.Florida - i might never see them again
on a plane tomorrow
but they taught me something about life, about living it
connecting with others - no matter if you know them for minutes or days or hours. sometimes you know them for weeks or years, but that is what makes life worth living.
beautiful people.
beautiful snow.
'you're so pale you look like a cancer patient, but you are so beautiful.'
to meet people so honest - so willing to say what they feel.
live every moment - because you never know when it will be over
or when that beautiful person will be gone from the world forever.
sparkling snow falls as we say our farewells
know them, love them
love life
love the people
and mr.Florida -
love the snow.
1.20.2008
stranger to my own self
what is it when desire is not quite a want or longing but it is mixed with nostalgia even before you have possessed the thing you so desire?
a thought that feels deeper than fancying something new - it is as though it is a return to something long forgotten, absent, missing. . .
this is a strange feeling - and to face it each day makes it stranger. i do not know myself. it reinforces the lack of connection and meaning that I think we all experience in our lives. so many things depend on an existence that is cantilevered - disconnected from reality - attached to some long removed and imagined thing.
i can't say that i am comfortable with this. i don't know who i am. i don't know where i am going or why i do any of the things i do. it makes me insane to consider it and so i just keep doing. it is the only way i can make it through the day - creating meaning so i can exist.
gnawing. ever present, occupying me.
i sit and gaze at nothing, wondering why, what am i missing?
suddenly i wonder if it is the brain getting in the way - by nature of our human brain we perceive everything through the veil of linear time and three dimensional space. perhaps the confusion comes when slivers pierce the veil and give me a shadow and a shimmer of some other reality that might exist somewhere, sometime.
this universe is full of mystery and i am reminded of it now as i reflect on a few of the many things we will never know. i walk through life with truth obscured and i am both frustrated and thankful for it.
i do not think any of us could manage the complete truth of reality. wisdom, insanity - i think it is beyond us. the truth is full of life and death, lovely and terrifying. the small pieces i encounter each day are enough to bring me to tears, i could not bear it to know the things i sometimes wish i could know. i would regret knowing for it is the mystery and the experience we call life that makes being here something worth doing. what would there be if there was nothing to know or experience? i think it would be empty, isolating. already i lose myself to wondering about the things i know and imagining the things that i can imagine.
it is such a struggle to find joy in the doing - in the simple things of life - when my thoughts are not what i do and i am a stranger to myself.
a thought that feels deeper than fancying something new - it is as though it is a return to something long forgotten, absent, missing. . .
this is a strange feeling - and to face it each day makes it stranger. i do not know myself. it reinforces the lack of connection and meaning that I think we all experience in our lives. so many things depend on an existence that is cantilevered - disconnected from reality - attached to some long removed and imagined thing.
i can't say that i am comfortable with this. i don't know who i am. i don't know where i am going or why i do any of the things i do. it makes me insane to consider it and so i just keep doing. it is the only way i can make it through the day - creating meaning so i can exist.
gnawing. ever present, occupying me.
i sit and gaze at nothing, wondering why, what am i missing?
suddenly i wonder if it is the brain getting in the way - by nature of our human brain we perceive everything through the veil of linear time and three dimensional space. perhaps the confusion comes when slivers pierce the veil and give me a shadow and a shimmer of some other reality that might exist somewhere, sometime.
this universe is full of mystery and i am reminded of it now as i reflect on a few of the many things we will never know. i walk through life with truth obscured and i am both frustrated and thankful for it.
i do not think any of us could manage the complete truth of reality. wisdom, insanity - i think it is beyond us. the truth is full of life and death, lovely and terrifying. the small pieces i encounter each day are enough to bring me to tears, i could not bear it to know the things i sometimes wish i could know. i would regret knowing for it is the mystery and the experience we call life that makes being here something worth doing. what would there be if there was nothing to know or experience? i think it would be empty, isolating. already i lose myself to wondering about the things i know and imagining the things that i can imagine.
it is such a struggle to find joy in the doing - in the simple things of life - when my thoughts are not what i do and i am a stranger to myself.
1.10.2008
"it has been spoken of"
i am grateful for friends and i forget how much they care. i get so lost inside my own life - inside my own version of reality and i forget they are watching and caring.
a friend of mine told me yesterday she was upset that lately i had forgotten her (or so it seemed) and it had been spoken of among my friends.
she is amazing - and she cares so much, i am ashamed at knowing she felt this way.
it is so easy to love, it is so easy to assume they know you do.
but i realized something as we sat together and laughed together - there is so much joy in being with the people you love. i bring joy into her life. this is an amazing realization for me.
for years i thought i had no true friends. i felt so isolated and alone. i thought that surely anyone who acts like my friend must be lying because what is there to actually like about me? i have finally started to accept that there are many people who would call me a friend and who care about me. there is so much joy in life and in my life.
they watch and they care even when i forget.
a friend of mine told me yesterday she was upset that lately i had forgotten her (or so it seemed) and it had been spoken of among my friends.
she is amazing - and she cares so much, i am ashamed at knowing she felt this way.
it is so easy to love, it is so easy to assume they know you do.
but i realized something as we sat together and laughed together - there is so much joy in being with the people you love. i bring joy into her life. this is an amazing realization for me.
for years i thought i had no true friends. i felt so isolated and alone. i thought that surely anyone who acts like my friend must be lying because what is there to actually like about me? i have finally started to accept that there are many people who would call me a friend and who care about me. there is so much joy in life and in my life.
they watch and they care even when i forget.
1.09.2008
coming up for air
the insanity of enjoying someone
so much that i lose myself in him
one day i come up for air
i wonder, do i give myself over to this?
do i let myself go?
then one day he is out of reach - out of touch
(i think of the night i wanted a bedtime story
it had been a very long day
he read Beowulf - I was asleep in his lap
so sweet - so incredibly sweet)
i struggle to find balance
the joy of being together saturates my life
nothing seems to matter as much as each moment with him -
i am disoriented by it.
(scares me a bit)
like being on a beautiful beach
where the waves are a little too big.
just as i am standing up, the next one knocks me down.
i laugh and keep my head above water and enjoy the adventure of it -
(he does this to me)
so much that i lose myself in him
one day i come up for air
i wonder, do i give myself over to this?
do i let myself go?
then one day he is out of reach - out of touch
(i think of the night i wanted a bedtime story
it had been a very long day
he read Beowulf - I was asleep in his lap
so sweet - so incredibly sweet)
i struggle to find balance
the joy of being together saturates my life
nothing seems to matter as much as each moment with him -
i am disoriented by it.
(scares me a bit)
like being on a beautiful beach
where the waves are a little too big.
just as i am standing up, the next one knocks me down.
i laugh and keep my head above water and enjoy the adventure of it -
(he does this to me)
1.05.2008
family
sometimes i feel like my family is wacky
clearly they have shaped me
but it is so hard to be near mother
it is like a mirror that shows me all the things
i could, but never want, to be
i am thankful for the reminder
but wish it did not take days for her influence to wash away
clearly they have shaped me
but it is so hard to be near mother
it is like a mirror that shows me all the things
i could, but never want, to be
i am thankful for the reminder
but wish it did not take days for her influence to wash away
12.15.2007
lonely places
somehow i have ended up in a place
i never expected to be
(thinking i know things
thinking i can plan things)
it shows me truths i am afraid to see.
i can only wonder at what the rest of my life might bring -
i can only plan for the things that i do -
there is comfort in knowing this.
but right now - my dreams that lit the way are gone
the darkness is a lonely place to be.
i never expected to be
(thinking i know things
thinking i can plan things)
it shows me truths i am afraid to see.
i can only wonder at what the rest of my life might bring -
i can only plan for the things that i do -
there is comfort in knowing this.
but right now - my dreams that lit the way are gone
the darkness is a lonely place to be.
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