it's my birthday, bring the filet mignon. . .

My phone rang on Monday and it was the last person I expected to hear from. I felt ill. What does he want? He calls me after a month of absolutely no communication and wants to see me that very evening. Why? Why could he want that and why would I agree to it? My birthday. I agreed to spend my birthday with him. We spent nearly four and a half hours together when I had planned to give him no more than two.

"I am so sorry." It was the first time he has apologized. The apology was unexpected. It was honest. It was out of desperation. He is not happy. How can you be happy when you walk around trying to be the person you think everyone else wants you to be?

He is so stubborn and arrogant (as am I) that there had been no admission of wrongdoing over the past four months, all along defending his actions as his process. I have done this very same thing so I must forgive him for it. It is the fact that he was, by his own admission, intentionally deceitful that pains me. We made agreements and spent months building trust in our relationship and it took him less than two weeks to destroy it. Can I accept that it might happen again? There are so many things to talk about, so many questions.

The truth is that I love the boy who hides under all the bullshit. I know the person he keeps hidden away from the world who is so passionate about food and wine, the boy who wants to sit in his garden on Sunday mornings drinking english breakfast tea, the boy who lectures me on the molecular structure of organic solvents when I wonder aloud about rubbing alcohol removing ink from my fingers.... I love how we finish sentences (correctly) for each other and laugh until we are rolling on the floor. There was one night I thought we would get thrown out of a favorite restaurant because we were laughing very loudly about something that made no sense at all. ("I have a monkey, bring the filet mignon" whatever that means.) The hostess kept rolling her eyes at us and I was sure they would ask us to leave. They didn't and we just kept laughing.

When you find that person who is such a joy to be with, how can you be stubborn and angry and unforgiving? I try to be that way and I fail. We all have our bullshit in life and somehow I am willing to forgive him for all of his. I do not know if we can be together but I know that I forgive him.

I asked him, "what the fuck do you want, what happens now, why are you here?"
He responds, "I'm in love with you and I want to have you in my life. Can we just spend some time together, maybe we can get together and cook. . . just start there."

How can I deny him this? I love to cook.

thank you

you showed me what it is to be happy.
somehow i had lost it. i existed in a world of sadness. i did not laugh. i did not feel joy. i was so self absorbed, all i could see were my own problems. completely immersed in my own unhappiness.
to rediscover laughter and love for life, to realize how i was and decide to change, to have you there encouraging me to change.
i thank you for this.
whatever we are now (because i am not sure and really i just ignore the question everytime i see you) you gave this to me and it is what i needed in my life.
i love you. i always will. you have affected me in ways that no one else ever has. whatever there is between us, there is the laughter and the joy and these are the things that make life bearable. i look for them in other people and i find them. laughter brings meaning into my life.
sharing in the joy of being with others; this brings so much happiness and purpose to everything i do and you showed it to me, you gave it to me freely when i was too blind to see how it would change my life.
so thank you.
maybe you read this, maybe you know all these things that i share.
perhaps this thank you will go unnoticed.
either way, i am telling the world that you - one small person - changed me and i am but one small person.
but it matters - it really does.
you have set me free.