what? really? oh my. . .

I have these moments where I have to wonder about what I am thinking. I reflect on the things I would rather ignore or imagine to be a different way. I had one of these moments earlier this week.
It was so odd, somehow a nearly complete stranger sat down and asked me a question that I felt like answering honestly. I sorta know this guy but we are not close friends by any means and to have him spend the next hour discussing some of the core issues in my life was shocking.
He rattled me. Every word out of his mouth was the truth. The advice he gave was intense and personal and every bit of it right. I don't understand experiences like that. It was incredibly cathartic. I left feeling ripped apart and by the time I walked a couple of blocks, I felt this sense of relief and lightness that I have not had in months.
I have to say that he was incredibly open about his life and the stuff he was going through. We talked about jobs and relationships and life.
He called me defeatist and made a reasonable case for why he was right. That I believe that no matter what I do, no matter how good something is, it is doomed to fail. The goodness of that particular thing can not last.
He is right.
I also believe that in the face of all the crap, the only thing to do is find something to bring joy into your life, the smell of flowers in the air or an exceptional cup of tea. . .
There was something about hearing the truth. Perhaps my friends can't see this truth. Perhaps they are unwilling to tell me. That's okay though, because he said it and I listened and it changed how I look at the world a little.

atheistic tendencies and hedonsitic indulgences.

there are things that i know about life. with absolute certainty. things that are human nature and to deny them would be delusional. i had this great conversation today with steve about practicing non-attachment. that we humans feel pain as a result of becoming attached to an idea of how we think things should be. we expect a relationship to be a certain way and when it is not - we hurt. this is manifested in anger and sadness.

for lessons in the way of non-attachment i must thank a boy I know. you know - seriously man, way to convince me that things are a certain way. getting me to believe something that seemed absurd to begin with. you had me. and then you rock my fuckin' world and it is beyond me to understand how any of it is possible but clearly i became attached to some expectation of the person you are that was not realistic or true. obviously we both have something to learn about life and pain and thinking things are a certain way when they are not.

all of this reinforces my agnostic and atheistic tendencies. on the agnosticism - i don't know. ever. i experience. what is happening now is real but there can be no belief in an understanding that transcends what is happening at this moment in time. if we are walking home together or cooking and eating together, or fucking - these things are real and relevant in that moment that they occur. i can not expect that you want to fuck tomorrow. i can not expect that you want to see me ever again. there is pain in reflecting on this.

the atheistic tendencies tell me that i create my reality - that i make meaning in my life and so this is how i can cope with the fact that i exist. thankfully - you are not the thing that makes my life relevant. you are the ultimate accessory, the thing that sets it all off. there is value in who i am and the life i live has meaning - to me and to other people and so i create this stunning reality that makes it all worth doing. you bring happiness, make it all more intense - to the point that i question if i should spend any time with you.

fuck. you are such a hedonistic indulgence. there is nothing good about becoming so absorbed in someone else and the moments you spend with them that you can not live your life and get the things done that go beyond them. you are so fucking intense man. it is addictive. i want to be with you every moment of every day - even now - with all your bullshit - i want to immerse myself in you. what a totally shitty feeling.

you told me to go out and find someone better than you - someone who deserves me. i have done that ten times over in the last couple of months. my life will move past you. but i will always - ALWAYS love you and that is something that hurts me every time i think about it because i will never be able to give all of me to someone else, you have claimed a part of me that is all yours and no matter how much i love someone else - there is this tiny and significant piece that is all yours.

it is a terrible and beautiful thing.

mango sparkle

can i tell you a secret?
he has walked into my life and I am unable to describe what he is to me.
sometimes he is nothing at all -
there are moments where I immerse myself and he is everything.

sitting and talking
peeling and eating it
juice dripping from fingertips to be licked away unabashedly
unthinking - transported

a tiny thing sparkling in a secret corner of my mind.

what do you think

silence contains my truth
but silence does as it always has - the keeper of great secrets
empty words hang
speaking around 'the thing'
bubble inside the imagination of a distant universe. . . .
is it real somewhere beyond this hubble volume?
things may never come to pass
if i think them
if we imagine them
when do they become history?

inside my head

what about the rare and irresistible people who amaze and delight with every word - every action a fascination. what do you do when one of them walks in, sits down and makes themselves a part of your life?
you know what I mean - get inside my head and rattle around there for days on end.
perhaps then i forget a bit, the spell wears off and i manage to get on with my life until the next encounter.

you know what i mean. . . . i am sure this has happened to you.
maybe someone out there feels this way about me - or you.
their person is so similar to your own that you can not imagine how it is possible. it is like part of them is a part of you. here they are, showing you everything about yourself that you want to avoid.

what of the loves inexorable?

dew collects on the lips of a god and falls to earth
i breathe it in and gather it all around
cloaking myself in the pieces of you-ness

gasping in the void -
it(bright) looms above.
feeding on the secret of this thing.

words fall on dull ears
sucked into the unknown dark between us

is there a star burning brightly on the other side?
am i to burn among the gods.
(but the words - what happens if i say the words?)

certainly easier to keep the truth drowned in silent acceptance
that we never ever be this other thing

i dream of walking in the garden
bright and fresh beneath his watchful gaze
love springs forth from moist and fragrant earth

(do i love him?)
i walk away to be with someone else
the flowers wilt and rot without the sun

to be near you - this is all I have
the silence remains
there is nothing between us

dark void birthing a universe
finding a beginning beyond all knowing