things i think about you

i think you live in fear of living the life you want and dream. i think you are afraid of loving me more than i love you. i think you are afraid you can't live up to whatever expectations you imagine i might have for you. i think you want to walk away before i might have the chance to hurt you. i think you can't understand that i accept you just the way you are, that i love you for who you are and want to be.

you go out into the world and surround yourself with superficial relationships and then you call me to talk about how they don't understand you or relate to the things you care about. i wonder why you do this. why you chose this path. i accept it but i don't understand it.

sometimes music makes me weep

i love music. it is a huge part of my life. i spent many years training to be a professional musician and my heart was broken by the reality of what that life would mean for me. i decided that i could not emotionally withstand the life of a classical musician.
the intensity. traveling, competition, isolation.
my friend steve called me up one day and told me he had gotten a job and i started to go on about how great it was. . . he said it was in Tokyo and he didn't think he was going to take it.
Tokyo is a long way away.
the choice to let it slip away was hard - letting go of dreams, well that is never easy. i don't think about it often but sometimes i will remember and it makes me weep. sometimes i hear a piece i played or something that reminds me of that part of my life and i just cry and cry.

i still love music. all kinds of music. i am always looking for something new. lately I have been spending a lot of time at Daytrotter - and tonight i found something i feel like sharing. they are playing in bloomington on March 31.