dear wonderful friend

he finally called - of course. he was at work - duh. he wants to get together - of course.
thank you for your kindness, there is nothing easy about this path I choose. it is made easier for knowing that there are people like you who are willing to be a friend and listen to all of this, to offer words to advice and caring, thoughtful reminders that I have a beautiful life even when he is not in it.

I know that he is well intentioned and honest with me. he would not call and say the things he has said if he did not mean them. there is no reason for it. it is completely irrational for me to think that this is easy for him. sometimes it overwhelms me. I don't even know what to do when my head fills with all the suppositions and unknowns.

i wonder if this will ever heal - will i ever trust him and be able to believe that it is as simple as two people who are insanely in love with each other and uneasy at what that means.
you give up a lot when you decide to love and trust someone. you give up that sense of control, you give part of your life to someone else and no matter how hard you try to be your own person, there is some part of you that they always carry with them and it belongs to that other person. there is some part of him that will always be mine and I have to take care of it, nurture it, care for it - and when you have something that is so silent it is hard to know what it needs.

i guess that it needs love, a lot of it, and without anything attached. that is the hardest thing I think - to love and be there without any expectation of getting anything back.
he has a lot of healing to do and so do I. I can't expect that after 10 days everything will be all better but this past 10 days has felt like an eternity.

i lay around doing nothing, thinking about this over and over again. sometimes that is good and sometimes it is very bad. I spent two hours of my Friday in another universe filled with him and questions about how this might turn out - and that is the most ridiculous thing to do as there is no way I can know how this will turn out.

on one hand I can truly, honestly, see us being together for a long, long time. there is so much love and happiness between us - for each other. so much appreciation for each other, awe for how we feel when we are together. on the other hand, life and personality and all the bullshit that we have to work through in life makes it hard sometimes. hard to be together - hard to face the fact that if we are going to be awesome together we need to face up to and conquer all the crap that we bring into this relationship.

it all comes down to fear. we are afraid of each other and this thing we are when we are together.

how do I explain this. . . .

I cried more tonight than I have in months. He terrifies me.
The things he asks of me are more than I have ever given to anyone else in my life. Complete forgiveness when I would rather hold a grudge. Trust when there is absolutely no reason why I should trust him again. These emotional battles are the most challenging things in my life now and maybe ever. . . so far.
Giving my heart and soul into the care of another, I have never done this with anyone. He brings so much joy into my life and it was a shock to realize I could be so happy with anyone. Dinner with a guy who I have eaten an uncountable number of meals with and I have a million butterflies inside at the idea of seeing him. After everything we have been through - that you still make me feel this way is beyond my comprehension. I was with someone for 8 years who never affected me this way.
When I was 20 years old I met someone who is a truly wonderful person. We started spending time together and really liked each other. Then we started dreaming together, we created all these dreams for our life and what we would do, what it would be. . . then I ended up married to those dreams. When it all fell apart, I mourned the loss of those dreams.
I realize now that relationships are not made of the stuff of dreams. They are made of those tiny, breathless moments and in the best relationships, they happen over and over again. What we have leaves me breathless, over and over again. Every moment with him is timeless and amazing. I have never had this before and I am not sure that I will ever find it again.
Can I walk away from this and live my life knowing that I decided not to give him another chance?
So when he tells me that he is sorry for everything, that he is sorry for being afraid, that he is sorry for being his dad, and wants to do whatever he has to do to be with me, to heal this, to get back to where we were and then keep going all I can do is sit, with his arms around me, and cry.

Ethan

Ethan: "Happy Mother's Day, I love you."
Me: "I love you very much sweetie. I am glad that I am your mom!"
Ethan: "Me too! I just wanted to tell you, that without you, I wouldn't be alive."

Ethan is 6 years old and I love him more than anything or anyone. Pretty amazing what being a mom does to your life.

talking to my "big brother"

I don't have a big brother. I grew up as the oldest with just one little brother. I don't ask him for advice - it is not how we are. So when I need big brother advice, I find that I am stuck.
Tonight I called a friend of mine, he is just a few years older than me, and I asked him to be my designated big brother. He has a way of listening, asking questions, and giving advice that I imagine to be what an awesome big brother would do.
Our conversation boiled down to this:
"Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once. Can't remember where I heard this but it couldn't be more true. Don't be afraid to get your heart broken, if it happens time will fix it."
I think my big brother gives awesome advice.

it's my birthday, bring the filet mignon. . .

My phone rang on Monday and it was the last person I expected to hear from. I felt ill. What does he want? He calls me after a month of absolutely no communication and wants to see me that very evening. Why? Why could he want that and why would I agree to it? My birthday. I agreed to spend my birthday with him. We spent nearly four and a half hours together when I had planned to give him no more than two.

"I am so sorry." It was the first time he has apologized. The apology was unexpected. It was honest. It was out of desperation. He is not happy. How can you be happy when you walk around trying to be the person you think everyone else wants you to be?

He is so stubborn and arrogant (as am I) that there had been no admission of wrongdoing over the past four months, all along defending his actions as his process. I have done this very same thing so I must forgive him for it. It is the fact that he was, by his own admission, intentionally deceitful that pains me. We made agreements and spent months building trust in our relationship and it took him less than two weeks to destroy it. Can I accept that it might happen again? There are so many things to talk about, so many questions.

The truth is that I love the boy who hides under all the bullshit. I know the person he keeps hidden away from the world who is so passionate about food and wine, the boy who wants to sit in his garden on Sunday mornings drinking english breakfast tea, the boy who lectures me on the molecular structure of organic solvents when I wonder aloud about rubbing alcohol removing ink from my fingers.... I love how we finish sentences (correctly) for each other and laugh until we are rolling on the floor. There was one night I thought we would get thrown out of a favorite restaurant because we were laughing very loudly about something that made no sense at all. ("I have a monkey, bring the filet mignon" whatever that means.) The hostess kept rolling her eyes at us and I was sure they would ask us to leave. They didn't and we just kept laughing.

When you find that person who is such a joy to be with, how can you be stubborn and angry and unforgiving? I try to be that way and I fail. We all have our bullshit in life and somehow I am willing to forgive him for all of his. I do not know if we can be together but I know that I forgive him.

I asked him, "what the fuck do you want, what happens now, why are you here?"
He responds, "I'm in love with you and I want to have you in my life. Can we just spend some time together, maybe we can get together and cook. . . just start there."

How can I deny him this? I love to cook.

atheistic tendencies and hedonsitic indulgences.

there are things that i know about life. with absolute certainty. things that are human nature and to deny them would be delusional. i had this great conversation today with steve about practicing non-attachment. that we humans feel pain as a result of becoming attached to an idea of how we think things should be. we expect a relationship to be a certain way and when it is not - we hurt. this is manifested in anger and sadness.

for lessons in the way of non-attachment i must thank a boy I know. you know - seriously man, way to convince me that things are a certain way. getting me to believe something that seemed absurd to begin with. you had me. and then you rock my fuckin' world and it is beyond me to understand how any of it is possible but clearly i became attached to some expectation of the person you are that was not realistic or true. obviously we both have something to learn about life and pain and thinking things are a certain way when they are not.

all of this reinforces my agnostic and atheistic tendencies. on the agnosticism - i don't know. ever. i experience. what is happening now is real but there can be no belief in an understanding that transcends what is happening at this moment in time. if we are walking home together or cooking and eating together, or fucking - these things are real and relevant in that moment that they occur. i can not expect that you want to fuck tomorrow. i can not expect that you want to see me ever again. there is pain in reflecting on this.

the atheistic tendencies tell me that i create my reality - that i make meaning in my life and so this is how i can cope with the fact that i exist. thankfully - you are not the thing that makes my life relevant. you are the ultimate accessory, the thing that sets it all off. there is value in who i am and the life i live has meaning - to me and to other people and so i create this stunning reality that makes it all worth doing. you bring happiness, make it all more intense - to the point that i question if i should spend any time with you.

fuck. you are such a hedonistic indulgence. there is nothing good about becoming so absorbed in someone else and the moments you spend with them that you can not live your life and get the things done that go beyond them. you are so fucking intense man. it is addictive. i want to be with you every moment of every day - even now - with all your bullshit - i want to immerse myself in you. what a totally shitty feeling.

you told me to go out and find someone better than you - someone who deserves me. i have done that ten times over in the last couple of months. my life will move past you. but i will always - ALWAYS love you and that is something that hurts me every time i think about it because i will never be able to give all of me to someone else, you have claimed a part of me that is all yours and no matter how much i love someone else - there is this tiny and significant piece that is all yours.

it is a terrible and beautiful thing.

things i think about you

i think you live in fear of living the life you want and dream. i think you are afraid of loving me more than i love you. i think you are afraid you can't live up to whatever expectations you imagine i might have for you. i think you want to walk away before i might have the chance to hurt you. i think you can't understand that i accept you just the way you are, that i love you for who you are and want to be.

you go out into the world and surround yourself with superficial relationships and then you call me to talk about how they don't understand you or relate to the things you care about. i wonder why you do this. why you chose this path. i accept it but i don't understand it.

thank you

you showed me what it is to be happy.
somehow i had lost it. i existed in a world of sadness. i did not laugh. i did not feel joy. i was so self absorbed, all i could see were my own problems. completely immersed in my own unhappiness.
to rediscover laughter and love for life, to realize how i was and decide to change, to have you there encouraging me to change.
i thank you for this.
whatever we are now (because i am not sure and really i just ignore the question everytime i see you) you gave this to me and it is what i needed in my life.
i love you. i always will. you have affected me in ways that no one else ever has. whatever there is between us, there is the laughter and the joy and these are the things that make life bearable. i look for them in other people and i find them. laughter brings meaning into my life.
sharing in the joy of being with others; this brings so much happiness and purpose to everything i do and you showed it to me, you gave it to me freely when i was too blind to see how it would change my life.
so thank you.
maybe you read this, maybe you know all these things that i share.
perhaps this thank you will go unnoticed.
either way, i am telling the world that you - one small person - changed me and i am but one small person.
but it matters - it really does.
you have set me free.

distractions

sometimes i think these 'feelings for someone else' that you keep talking about are how you avoid whatever is really going on. they are irrelevant to me. i don't believe in or care about the excuse that you create. i care about us and what is really going on in our relationship.
talk to me about that.
tell me about us and what you think about,
what are you afraid of, and why do you create this distraction rather than dealing with what is happening between us?

it almost was - could have been

there are so many wonderful people in this world.
the greatest tragedy is to realize, when we are busy saying our goodbyes, that i love and respect someone and they love and respect me.
to realize what i have missed - to realize what could have been.

to see that i have missed an opportunity to have a great friendship. . .

it is a great friendship. the affection, dedication, and caring is there.
i just wish that it could have been more.

beautiful snow

i learned something tonight

life is all about the people.

beautiful people. they change.
they come and go - you might only know them for a few hours but they are beautiful.
makes life worth living - the people do.

nick, tiffany, mr.Florida - i might never see them again
on a plane tomorrow
but they taught me something about life, about living it

connecting with others - no matter if you know them for minutes or days or hours. sometimes you know them for weeks or years, but that is what makes life worth living.

beautiful people.
beautiful snow.

'you're so pale you look like a cancer patient, but you are so beautiful.'
to meet people so honest - so willing to say what they feel.

live every moment - because you never know when it will be over
or when that beautiful person will be gone from the world forever.

sparkling snow falls as we say our farewells

know them, love them
love life
love the people

and mr.Florida -
love the snow.

"it has been spoken of"

i am grateful for friends and i forget how much they care. i get so lost inside my own life - inside my own version of reality and i forget they are watching and caring.

a friend of mine told me yesterday she was upset that lately i had forgotten her (or so it seemed) and it had been spoken of among my friends.

she is amazing - and she cares so much, i am ashamed at knowing she felt this way.
it is so easy to love, it is so easy to assume they know you do.

but i realized something as we sat together and laughed together - there is so much joy in being with the people you love. i bring joy into her life. this is an amazing realization for me.

for years i thought i had no true friends. i felt so isolated and alone. i thought that surely anyone who acts like my friend must be lying because what is there to actually like about me? i have finally started to accept that there are many people who would call me a friend and who care about me. there is so much joy in life and in my life.

they watch and they care even when i forget.

coming up for air

the insanity of enjoying someone
so much that i lose myself in him

one day i come up for air
i wonder, do i give myself over to this?
do i let myself go?

then one day he is out of reach - out of touch

(i think of the night i wanted a bedtime story
it had been a very long day
he read Beowulf - I was asleep in his lap
so sweet - so incredibly sweet)

i struggle to find balance
the joy of being together saturates my life
nothing seems to matter as much as each moment with him -
i am disoriented by it.

(scares me a bit)

like being on a beautiful beach
where the waves are a little too big.
just as i am standing up, the next one knocks me down.
i laugh and keep my head above water and enjoy the adventure of it -
(he does this to me)

thinking about Camus

life can be magnificent and overwhelming. that is it's whole tragedy. without beauty, love, or danger it would almost be easy to live. ~albert camus

i think that it is so hard to stay in that space. it is easy to be safe.
it is hard to trust in yourself and know that it is about living and experiencing,
to be responsible for what happens in our lives,
to appreciate all of it.

i get attached to what I expect other people to be and this is the root of any pain. i was so attached to that in my marriage and tried to turn him into what I expected him to be. i wonder why. is it my own insecurity? does his way of being define who i am?

can i love someone and not have an expectation for who they are or what their experience should be like?

to be with someone and enjoy the love and hurt and joy of it.

to be open to what others can teach us - to hear what they say, to be a part of their experience without losing myself in it. . . .

in the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer. ~albert camus

mango sparkle

can i tell you a secret?
he has walked into my life and I am unable to describe what he is to me.
sometimes he is nothing at all -
there are moments where I immerse myself and he is everything.

sitting and talking
peeling and eating it
juice dripping from fingertips to be licked away unabashedly
unthinking - transported

a tiny thing sparkling in a secret corner of my mind.

what of the loves inexorable?

dew collects on the lips of a god and falls to earth
i breathe it in and gather it all around
cloaking myself in the pieces of you-ness

gasping in the void -
it(bright) looms above.
feeding on the secret of this thing.

words fall on dull ears
sucked into the unknown dark between us

is there a star burning brightly on the other side?
am i to burn among the gods.
(but the words - what happens if i say the words?)

certainly easier to keep the truth drowned in silent acceptance
that we never ever be this other thing

i dream of walking in the garden
bright and fresh beneath his watchful gaze
love springs forth from moist and fragrant earth

(do i love him?)
i walk away to be with someone else
the flowers wilt and rot without the sun

to be near you - this is all I have
the silence remains
there is nothing between us

dark void birthing a universe
finding a beginning beyond all knowing