dear wonderful friend

he finally called - of course. he was at work - duh. he wants to get together - of course.
thank you for your kindness, there is nothing easy about this path I choose. it is made easier for knowing that there are people like you who are willing to be a friend and listen to all of this, to offer words to advice and caring, thoughtful reminders that I have a beautiful life even when he is not in it.

I know that he is well intentioned and honest with me. he would not call and say the things he has said if he did not mean them. there is no reason for it. it is completely irrational for me to think that this is easy for him. sometimes it overwhelms me. I don't even know what to do when my head fills with all the suppositions and unknowns.

i wonder if this will ever heal - will i ever trust him and be able to believe that it is as simple as two people who are insanely in love with each other and uneasy at what that means.
you give up a lot when you decide to love and trust someone. you give up that sense of control, you give part of your life to someone else and no matter how hard you try to be your own person, there is some part of you that they always carry with them and it belongs to that other person. there is some part of him that will always be mine and I have to take care of it, nurture it, care for it - and when you have something that is so silent it is hard to know what it needs.

i guess that it needs love, a lot of it, and without anything attached. that is the hardest thing I think - to love and be there without any expectation of getting anything back.
he has a lot of healing to do and so do I. I can't expect that after 10 days everything will be all better but this past 10 days has felt like an eternity.

i lay around doing nothing, thinking about this over and over again. sometimes that is good and sometimes it is very bad. I spent two hours of my Friday in another universe filled with him and questions about how this might turn out - and that is the most ridiculous thing to do as there is no way I can know how this will turn out.

on one hand I can truly, honestly, see us being together for a long, long time. there is so much love and happiness between us - for each other. so much appreciation for each other, awe for how we feel when we are together. on the other hand, life and personality and all the bullshit that we have to work through in life makes it hard sometimes. hard to be together - hard to face the fact that if we are going to be awesome together we need to face up to and conquer all the crap that we bring into this relationship.

it all comes down to fear. we are afraid of each other and this thing we are when we are together.

talking to my "big brother"

I don't have a big brother. I grew up as the oldest with just one little brother. I don't ask him for advice - it is not how we are. So when I need big brother advice, I find that I am stuck.
Tonight I called a friend of mine, he is just a few years older than me, and I asked him to be my designated big brother. He has a way of listening, asking questions, and giving advice that I imagine to be what an awesome big brother would do.
Our conversation boiled down to this:
"Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once. Can't remember where I heard this but it couldn't be more true. Don't be afraid to get your heart broken, if it happens time will fix it."
I think my big brother gives awesome advice.

create some good in the world today

there are days when i am conscious of how many excellent people there are in my little world. i think about this and i feel like there is nothing more i want in life than to look around me and be able to see great people. this require effort. it is so easy to be self conscious, to not trust, to be destructive, to criticize and see weakness. our society cultivates this sort of attitude. we are surrounded by war and exploitative capitalism. it makes it hard for me to see the good that is there.
i am learning to see it. because yeah - it matters. i mean, why am i here? if i am conscious of my experience i want to create one that i think is worth having. and it feels good to be happy.
i wake up and i can see the goodness in the world. i am not blind to the bad, but seeing the good makes it easier to create more of it. because everyone wants and needs that in their life.

it almost was - could have been

there are so many wonderful people in this world.
the greatest tragedy is to realize, when we are busy saying our goodbyes, that i love and respect someone and they love and respect me.
to realize what i have missed - to realize what could have been.

to see that i have missed an opportunity to have a great friendship. . .

it is a great friendship. the affection, dedication, and caring is there.
i just wish that it could have been more.

"it has been spoken of"

i am grateful for friends and i forget how much they care. i get so lost inside my own life - inside my own version of reality and i forget they are watching and caring.

a friend of mine told me yesterday she was upset that lately i had forgotten her (or so it seemed) and it had been spoken of among my friends.

she is amazing - and she cares so much, i am ashamed at knowing she felt this way.
it is so easy to love, it is so easy to assume they know you do.

but i realized something as we sat together and laughed together - there is so much joy in being with the people you love. i bring joy into her life. this is an amazing realization for me.

for years i thought i had no true friends. i felt so isolated and alone. i thought that surely anyone who acts like my friend must be lying because what is there to actually like about me? i have finally started to accept that there are many people who would call me a friend and who care about me. there is so much joy in life and in my life.

they watch and they care even when i forget.