My phone rang on Monday and it was the last person I expected to hear from. I felt ill. What does he want? He calls me after a month of absolutely no communication and wants to see me that very evening. Why? Why could he want that and why would I agree to it? My birthday. I agreed to spend my birthday with him. We spent nearly four and a half hours together when I had planned to give him no more than two.
"I am so sorry." It was the first time he has apologized. The apology was unexpected. It was honest. It was out of desperation. He is not happy. How can you be happy when you walk around trying to be the person you think everyone else wants you to be?
He is so stubborn and arrogant (as am I) that there had been no admission of wrongdoing over the past four months, all along defending his actions as his process. I have done this very same thing so I must forgive him for it. It is the fact that he was, by his own admission, intentionally deceitful that pains me. We made agreements and spent months building trust in our relationship and it took him less than two weeks to destroy it. Can I accept that it might happen again? There are so many things to talk about, so many questions.
The truth is that I love the boy who hides under all the bullshit. I know the person he keeps hidden away from the world who is so passionate about food and wine, the boy who wants to sit in his garden on Sunday mornings drinking english breakfast tea, the boy who lectures me on the molecular structure of organic solvents when I wonder aloud about rubbing alcohol removing ink from my fingers.... I love how we finish sentences (correctly) for each other and laugh until we are rolling on the floor. There was one night I thought we would get thrown out of a favorite restaurant because we were laughing very loudly about something that made no sense at all. ("I have a monkey, bring the filet mignon" whatever that means.) The hostess kept rolling her eyes at us and I was sure they would ask us to leave. They didn't and we just kept laughing.
When you find that person who is such a joy to be with, how can you be stubborn and angry and unforgiving? I try to be that way and I fail. We all have our bullshit in life and somehow I am willing to forgive him for all of his. I do not know if we can be together but I know that I forgive him.
I asked him, "what the fuck do you want, what happens now, why are you here?"
He responds, "I'm in love with you and I want to have you in my life. Can we just spend some time together, maybe we can get together and cook. . . just start there."
How can I deny him this? I love to cook.
Showing posts with label mystery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mystery. Show all posts
1.20.2008
stranger to my own self
what is it when desire is not quite a want or longing but it is mixed with nostalgia even before you have possessed the thing you so desire?
a thought that feels deeper than fancying something new - it is as though it is a return to something long forgotten, absent, missing. . .
this is a strange feeling - and to face it each day makes it stranger. i do not know myself. it reinforces the lack of connection and meaning that I think we all experience in our lives. so many things depend on an existence that is cantilevered - disconnected from reality - attached to some long removed and imagined thing.
i can't say that i am comfortable with this. i don't know who i am. i don't know where i am going or why i do any of the things i do. it makes me insane to consider it and so i just keep doing. it is the only way i can make it through the day - creating meaning so i can exist.
gnawing. ever present, occupying me.
i sit and gaze at nothing, wondering why, what am i missing?
suddenly i wonder if it is the brain getting in the way - by nature of our human brain we perceive everything through the veil of linear time and three dimensional space. perhaps the confusion comes when slivers pierce the veil and give me a shadow and a shimmer of some other reality that might exist somewhere, sometime.
this universe is full of mystery and i am reminded of it now as i reflect on a few of the many things we will never know. i walk through life with truth obscured and i am both frustrated and thankful for it.
i do not think any of us could manage the complete truth of reality. wisdom, insanity - i think it is beyond us. the truth is full of life and death, lovely and terrifying. the small pieces i encounter each day are enough to bring me to tears, i could not bear it to know the things i sometimes wish i could know. i would regret knowing for it is the mystery and the experience we call life that makes being here something worth doing. what would there be if there was nothing to know or experience? i think it would be empty, isolating. already i lose myself to wondering about the things i know and imagining the things that i can imagine.
it is such a struggle to find joy in the doing - in the simple things of life - when my thoughts are not what i do and i am a stranger to myself.
a thought that feels deeper than fancying something new - it is as though it is a return to something long forgotten, absent, missing. . .
this is a strange feeling - and to face it each day makes it stranger. i do not know myself. it reinforces the lack of connection and meaning that I think we all experience in our lives. so many things depend on an existence that is cantilevered - disconnected from reality - attached to some long removed and imagined thing.
i can't say that i am comfortable with this. i don't know who i am. i don't know where i am going or why i do any of the things i do. it makes me insane to consider it and so i just keep doing. it is the only way i can make it through the day - creating meaning so i can exist.
gnawing. ever present, occupying me.
i sit and gaze at nothing, wondering why, what am i missing?
suddenly i wonder if it is the brain getting in the way - by nature of our human brain we perceive everything through the veil of linear time and three dimensional space. perhaps the confusion comes when slivers pierce the veil and give me a shadow and a shimmer of some other reality that might exist somewhere, sometime.
this universe is full of mystery and i am reminded of it now as i reflect on a few of the many things we will never know. i walk through life with truth obscured and i am both frustrated and thankful for it.
i do not think any of us could manage the complete truth of reality. wisdom, insanity - i think it is beyond us. the truth is full of life and death, lovely and terrifying. the small pieces i encounter each day are enough to bring me to tears, i could not bear it to know the things i sometimes wish i could know. i would regret knowing for it is the mystery and the experience we call life that makes being here something worth doing. what would there be if there was nothing to know or experience? i think it would be empty, isolating. already i lose myself to wondering about the things i know and imagining the things that i can imagine.
it is such a struggle to find joy in the doing - in the simple things of life - when my thoughts are not what i do and i am a stranger to myself.
11.04.2007
conflict and nausea
you just never know
what something will be
until you make it real in your life
all the dreams
the imaginations of educated and experienced souls
can not predict, forsee, or gaze into that crystal
to know what two people might share together
who is there among us who does not insist upon trying
who is it that does not think they know
what will be or might be
before it ever is
this creates all manner of nervous expectation,
fear, excitement, potential for disappointment,
conflict and nausea. . .
when the moment arrives
i am reminded to
delight in things that exceed expectations
i am reminded to set fear aside
for there are much greater things than fear in life
what something will be
until you make it real in your life
all the dreams
the imaginations of educated and experienced souls
can not predict, forsee, or gaze into that crystal
to know what two people might share together
who is there among us who does not insist upon trying
who is it that does not think they know
what will be or might be
before it ever is
this creates all manner of nervous expectation,
fear, excitement, potential for disappointment,
conflict and nausea. . .
when the moment arrives
i am reminded to
delight in things that exceed expectations
i am reminded to set fear aside
for there are much greater things than fear in life
10.13.2007
thinking about Camus
life can be magnificent and overwhelming. that is it's whole tragedy. without beauty, love, or danger it would almost be easy to live. ~albert camus
i think that it is so hard to stay in that space. it is easy to be safe.
it is hard to trust in yourself and know that it is about living and experiencing,
to be responsible for what happens in our lives,
to appreciate all of it.
i get attached to what I expect other people to be and this is the root of any pain. i was so attached to that in my marriage and tried to turn him into what I expected him to be. i wonder why. is it my own insecurity? does his way of being define who i am?
can i love someone and not have an expectation for who they are or what their experience should be like?
to be with someone and enjoy the love and hurt and joy of it.
to be open to what others can teach us - to hear what they say, to be a part of their experience without losing myself in it. . . .
in the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer. ~albert camus
i think that it is so hard to stay in that space. it is easy to be safe.
it is hard to trust in yourself and know that it is about living and experiencing,
to be responsible for what happens in our lives,
to appreciate all of it.
i get attached to what I expect other people to be and this is the root of any pain. i was so attached to that in my marriage and tried to turn him into what I expected him to be. i wonder why. is it my own insecurity? does his way of being define who i am?
can i love someone and not have an expectation for who they are or what their experience should be like?
to be with someone and enjoy the love and hurt and joy of it.
to be open to what others can teach us - to hear what they say, to be a part of their experience without losing myself in it. . . .
in the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer. ~albert camus
10.08.2007
mango sparkle
can i tell you a secret?
he has walked into my life and I am unable to describe what he is to me.
sometimes he is nothing at all -
there are moments where I immerse myself and he is everything.
sitting and talking
peeling and eating it
juice dripping from fingertips to be licked away unabashedly
unthinking - transported
a tiny thing sparkling in a secret corner of my mind.
he has walked into my life and I am unable to describe what he is to me.
sometimes he is nothing at all -
there are moments where I immerse myself and he is everything.
sitting and talking
peeling and eating it
juice dripping from fingertips to be licked away unabashedly
unthinking - transported
a tiny thing sparkling in a secret corner of my mind.
9.23.2007
what do you think
silence contains my truth
but silence does as it always has - the keeper of great secrets
empty words hang
speaking around 'the thing'
bubble inside the imagination of a distant universe. . . .
is it real somewhere beyond this hubble volume?
things may never come to pass
if i think them
if we imagine them
when do they become history?
but silence does as it always has - the keeper of great secrets
empty words hang
speaking around 'the thing'
bubble inside the imagination of a distant universe. . . .
is it real somewhere beyond this hubble volume?
things may never come to pass
if i think them
if we imagine them
when do they become history?
9.17.2007
inside my head
what about the rare and irresistible people who amaze and delight with every word - every action a fascination. what do you do when one of them walks in, sits down and makes themselves a part of your life?
you know what I mean - get inside my head and rattle around there for days on end.
perhaps then i forget a bit, the spell wears off and i manage to get on with my life until the next encounter.
you know what i mean. . . . i am sure this has happened to you.
maybe someone out there feels this way about me - or you.
their person is so similar to your own that you can not imagine how it is possible. it is like part of them is a part of you. here they are, showing you everything about yourself that you want to avoid.
you know what I mean - get inside my head and rattle around there for days on end.
perhaps then i forget a bit, the spell wears off and i manage to get on with my life until the next encounter.
you know what i mean. . . . i am sure this has happened to you.
maybe someone out there feels this way about me - or you.
their person is so similar to your own that you can not imagine how it is possible. it is like part of them is a part of you. here they are, showing you everything about yourself that you want to avoid.
what of the loves inexorable?
dew collects on the lips of a god and falls to earth
i breathe it in and gather it all around
cloaking myself in the pieces of you-ness
gasping in the void -
it(bright) looms above.
feeding on the secret of this thing.
words fall on dull ears
sucked into the unknown dark between us
is there a star burning brightly on the other side?
am i to burn among the gods.
(but the words - what happens if i say the words?)
certainly easier to keep the truth drowned in silent acceptance
that we never ever be this other thing
i dream of walking in the garden
bright and fresh beneath his watchful gaze
love springs forth from moist and fragrant earth
(do i love him?)
i walk away to be with someone else
the flowers wilt and rot without the sun
to be near you - this is all I have
the silence remains
there is nothing between us
dark void birthing a universe
finding a beginning beyond all knowing
i breathe it in and gather it all around
cloaking myself in the pieces of you-ness
gasping in the void -
it(bright) looms above.
feeding on the secret of this thing.
words fall on dull ears
sucked into the unknown dark between us
is there a star burning brightly on the other side?
am i to burn among the gods.
(but the words - what happens if i say the words?)
certainly easier to keep the truth drowned in silent acceptance
that we never ever be this other thing
i dream of walking in the garden
bright and fresh beneath his watchful gaze
love springs forth from moist and fragrant earth
(do i love him?)
i walk away to be with someone else
the flowers wilt and rot without the sun
to be near you - this is all I have
the silence remains
there is nothing between us
dark void birthing a universe
finding a beginning beyond all knowing
9.13.2007
this world and me in it
“The secret of life is to have a task, something you devote your entire life to, something you bring everything to, every minute of your life, and the most important thing is, it must be something you cannot possibly do.'
-British sculptor Henry Moore
the utter confusion of the human experience.
yesterday, i thought i had a pretty good idea of what is actually going on.
then today, i end up confused - turned upside down and wondering 'what was i thinking?'
and so this is why i leave my house. to be turned upside down. i dedicate myself to the human experience. i create meaning in my universe, i act and react, i laugh and rage and love. i believe and i lose that sense of knowing. with every breath my world flows through me. . . .
i dedicate myself to life and to understanding my experience.
-British sculptor Henry Moore
the utter confusion of the human experience.
yesterday, i thought i had a pretty good idea of what is actually going on.
then today, i end up confused - turned upside down and wondering 'what was i thinking?'
and so this is why i leave my house. to be turned upside down. i dedicate myself to the human experience. i create meaning in my universe, i act and react, i laugh and rage and love. i believe and i lose that sense of knowing. with every breath my world flows through me. . . .
i dedicate myself to life and to understanding my experience.
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