hellllllooooo out there

so i have been blogging at a new place.
visit me at jennepenne

and if you would like to hear about my food adventures visit me at
cook.eat.drink.laugh

see you.

After eight years of being with one person and thinking of my life within a certain context, I find it challenging to begin again. There are days when I am not sure who I am or what I am doing with my life. It is not that he was my whole world but my life formed itself around that relationship and without it I feel this freedom to be something different. Sometimes it is overwhelming - being faced with the question of what to do and how to be.
Sitting at my kitchen table, surrounded by things that are an expression of what I love in life helps me to define this. Art - by others and my own, music, great food, fabulous coffee, my brand new little herb garden, books. . . I can look at these things and know what I enjoy about life.
But sometimes I still feel lost. I went out last night and walked around town, alone. Walking helps the thinking.
Someday I will look back and it will all make sense.

I had a most wonderful, idle, weekend. There is something to be said for idleness and I am perfecting the art in my life. I find that too often I have so many things to do that I try to do two or three at once and I am left feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by all of it.
I need to make room for doing nothing, for sitting in quiet thought, for walking hand in hand with no real destination. Time for snuggling up and going back to sleep when my mind wants me to get up and be busy with something.
Last weekend was an excellent opportunity to do all of those things. I had no goal of entertaining myself or doing anything one might consider a leisure activity. I wanted to be idle. Upon waking Saturday morning, I promptly went back to sleep. I think I did this several times over several hours. My morning and afternoon was filled with lounging about, only to be interrupted by eating. A perfectly relaxing day.
My evening was to be spent with a friend, we met up around six and traversed the town eating little bits of food at whatever place we decided to go into. Cupcakes, cookies, truffles, smoothies, crab cakes, beer, wine, gravlax, watercress soup, whisky, a martini, more beer, 1/2 of a duck, carrot cake, beer, gin, blarney puffballs. . . . it was a lovely and leisurely food journey that was completely unplanned. We would exit a building, choose a direction and start rambling along, stopping where we pleased to consume something that sounded yummy. 6 hours of walking and eating and enjoying the day together, enjoying the fact that we had no where to be, and nothing of importance to do except to be together.
Sunday was something of a repeat. We slept until 2pm. We went out in search of food. Following this was a lot of napping and being lazy. Nowhere to be, nothing to do. The night ended with a funny movie, we passed out on the couch and eventually made it to bed.
I think there is much to be gained from knowing how to be idle. I work so hard at getting stuff done that it is hard to stop doing long enough to think a little and recharge. This world we live in demands constant action and what do we get? A great many stressed out, medicated people who buy lots of stuff to feel good. I am not willing to be one of those stressed out, medicated consumers. It is time to change.

dear wonderful friend

he finally called - of course. he was at work - duh. he wants to get together - of course.
thank you for your kindness, there is nothing easy about this path I choose. it is made easier for knowing that there are people like you who are willing to be a friend and listen to all of this, to offer words to advice and caring, thoughtful reminders that I have a beautiful life even when he is not in it.

I know that he is well intentioned and honest with me. he would not call and say the things he has said if he did not mean them. there is no reason for it. it is completely irrational for me to think that this is easy for him. sometimes it overwhelms me. I don't even know what to do when my head fills with all the suppositions and unknowns.

i wonder if this will ever heal - will i ever trust him and be able to believe that it is as simple as two people who are insanely in love with each other and uneasy at what that means.
you give up a lot when you decide to love and trust someone. you give up that sense of control, you give part of your life to someone else and no matter how hard you try to be your own person, there is some part of you that they always carry with them and it belongs to that other person. there is some part of him that will always be mine and I have to take care of it, nurture it, care for it - and when you have something that is so silent it is hard to know what it needs.

i guess that it needs love, a lot of it, and without anything attached. that is the hardest thing I think - to love and be there without any expectation of getting anything back.
he has a lot of healing to do and so do I. I can't expect that after 10 days everything will be all better but this past 10 days has felt like an eternity.

i lay around doing nothing, thinking about this over and over again. sometimes that is good and sometimes it is very bad. I spent two hours of my Friday in another universe filled with him and questions about how this might turn out - and that is the most ridiculous thing to do as there is no way I can know how this will turn out.

on one hand I can truly, honestly, see us being together for a long, long time. there is so much love and happiness between us - for each other. so much appreciation for each other, awe for how we feel when we are together. on the other hand, life and personality and all the bullshit that we have to work through in life makes it hard sometimes. hard to be together - hard to face the fact that if we are going to be awesome together we need to face up to and conquer all the crap that we bring into this relationship.

it all comes down to fear. we are afraid of each other and this thing we are when we are together.

how do I explain this. . . .

I cried more tonight than I have in months. He terrifies me.
The things he asks of me are more than I have ever given to anyone else in my life. Complete forgiveness when I would rather hold a grudge. Trust when there is absolutely no reason why I should trust him again. These emotional battles are the most challenging things in my life now and maybe ever. . . so far.
Giving my heart and soul into the care of another, I have never done this with anyone. He brings so much joy into my life and it was a shock to realize I could be so happy with anyone. Dinner with a guy who I have eaten an uncountable number of meals with and I have a million butterflies inside at the idea of seeing him. After everything we have been through - that you still make me feel this way is beyond my comprehension. I was with someone for 8 years who never affected me this way.
When I was 20 years old I met someone who is a truly wonderful person. We started spending time together and really liked each other. Then we started dreaming together, we created all these dreams for our life and what we would do, what it would be. . . then I ended up married to those dreams. When it all fell apart, I mourned the loss of those dreams.
I realize now that relationships are not made of the stuff of dreams. They are made of those tiny, breathless moments and in the best relationships, they happen over and over again. What we have leaves me breathless, over and over again. Every moment with him is timeless and amazing. I have never had this before and I am not sure that I will ever find it again.
Can I walk away from this and live my life knowing that I decided not to give him another chance?
So when he tells me that he is sorry for everything, that he is sorry for being afraid, that he is sorry for being his dad, and wants to do whatever he has to do to be with me, to heal this, to get back to where we were and then keep going all I can do is sit, with his arms around me, and cry.

Ethan

Ethan: "Happy Mother's Day, I love you."
Me: "I love you very much sweetie. I am glad that I am your mom!"
Ethan: "Me too! I just wanted to tell you, that without you, I wouldn't be alive."

Ethan is 6 years old and I love him more than anything or anyone. Pretty amazing what being a mom does to your life.

from xkcd

talking to my "big brother"

I don't have a big brother. I grew up as the oldest with just one little brother. I don't ask him for advice - it is not how we are. So when I need big brother advice, I find that I am stuck.
Tonight I called a friend of mine, he is just a few years older than me, and I asked him to be my designated big brother. He has a way of listening, asking questions, and giving advice that I imagine to be what an awesome big brother would do.
Our conversation boiled down to this:
"Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once. Can't remember where I heard this but it couldn't be more true. Don't be afraid to get your heart broken, if it happens time will fix it."
I think my big brother gives awesome advice.

it's my birthday, bring the filet mignon. . .

My phone rang on Monday and it was the last person I expected to hear from. I felt ill. What does he want? He calls me after a month of absolutely no communication and wants to see me that very evening. Why? Why could he want that and why would I agree to it? My birthday. I agreed to spend my birthday with him. We spent nearly four and a half hours together when I had planned to give him no more than two.

"I am so sorry." It was the first time he has apologized. The apology was unexpected. It was honest. It was out of desperation. He is not happy. How can you be happy when you walk around trying to be the person you think everyone else wants you to be?

He is so stubborn and arrogant (as am I) that there had been no admission of wrongdoing over the past four months, all along defending his actions as his process. I have done this very same thing so I must forgive him for it. It is the fact that he was, by his own admission, intentionally deceitful that pains me. We made agreements and spent months building trust in our relationship and it took him less than two weeks to destroy it. Can I accept that it might happen again? There are so many things to talk about, so many questions.

The truth is that I love the boy who hides under all the bullshit. I know the person he keeps hidden away from the world who is so passionate about food and wine, the boy who wants to sit in his garden on Sunday mornings drinking english breakfast tea, the boy who lectures me on the molecular structure of organic solvents when I wonder aloud about rubbing alcohol removing ink from my fingers.... I love how we finish sentences (correctly) for each other and laugh until we are rolling on the floor. There was one night I thought we would get thrown out of a favorite restaurant because we were laughing very loudly about something that made no sense at all. ("I have a monkey, bring the filet mignon" whatever that means.) The hostess kept rolling her eyes at us and I was sure they would ask us to leave. They didn't and we just kept laughing.

When you find that person who is such a joy to be with, how can you be stubborn and angry and unforgiving? I try to be that way and I fail. We all have our bullshit in life and somehow I am willing to forgive him for all of his. I do not know if we can be together but I know that I forgive him.

I asked him, "what the fuck do you want, what happens now, why are you here?"
He responds, "I'm in love with you and I want to have you in my life. Can we just spend some time together, maybe we can get together and cook. . . just start there."

How can I deny him this? I love to cook.

vomit in her hair

He told me that his x-girlfriend was an alcoholic. He spent two years trying to save her. Two years of holding back her hair when she vomited. Two years down the drain.

He told me that I can't fix someone. They have to decide they want to change.

I know this, I tell it to other people all the time. I told him that I know it and he accused me of being blind to it in my own fucked up relationship. He asked me why I would even bother with someone who treated me the way that this guy had, why do I think I can change him? Why would I sit around waiting for him to change?

He is right, again. I make excuses for my behavior because. . . well, I am not really sure why. Actually - he told me why. He called me a nurturer and said there is nothing wrong with being that way but there are times when it is misplaced.

How is it that it takes an almost stranger to make me see that I am trying to force change upon someone else? How is it that he completely destroyed this delusion that was consuming me? How does the universe make these things happen? I am amazed.

I am reminded that I can live my life and be happy but that I can not make someone else better or happy, that it comes from within. There are folks out there who think the same thing and I need to spend more time with them.

Overheard something the other night that went sort of like this - 'I'm doing fine, working through some stuff, there are people in my life who want to stop me from being who I want to be and I am not going to let them. . . ."

what? really? oh my. . .

I have these moments where I have to wonder about what I am thinking. I reflect on the things I would rather ignore or imagine to be a different way. I had one of these moments earlier this week.
It was so odd, somehow a nearly complete stranger sat down and asked me a question that I felt like answering honestly. I sorta know this guy but we are not close friends by any means and to have him spend the next hour discussing some of the core issues in my life was shocking.
He rattled me. Every word out of his mouth was the truth. The advice he gave was intense and personal and every bit of it right. I don't understand experiences like that. It was incredibly cathartic. I left feeling ripped apart and by the time I walked a couple of blocks, I felt this sense of relief and lightness that I have not had in months.
I have to say that he was incredibly open about his life and the stuff he was going through. We talked about jobs and relationships and life.
He called me defeatist and made a reasonable case for why he was right. That I believe that no matter what I do, no matter how good something is, it is doomed to fail. The goodness of that particular thing can not last.
He is right.
I also believe that in the face of all the crap, the only thing to do is find something to bring joy into your life, the smell of flowers in the air or an exceptional cup of tea. . .
There was something about hearing the truth. Perhaps my friends can't see this truth. Perhaps they are unwilling to tell me. That's okay though, because he said it and I listened and it changed how I look at the world a little.

just wondering

i wonder if i want to sleep on my couch tonight. i mean, it is better than the floor. i have a bed but i am a bit bored of it. i suppose i will figure everything out. it is better than some of the places i could be right now.
really let's think about it. what girl has not done it - gone home with some guy who really can't even be called a friend. most recently, for me, he was an acquaintance. i thought that i really liked this guy. a super interesting fellow who was into a lot of the same books and music i was. but you know what i realized, too late? i can't stand him. i really think he is obnoxious and pushy and annoying and how unfortunate because we have a lot in common. the way things work i guess. regardless of all that, i am now going to tell you the worst part of it all.
he has no respect for women and the word no. seriously. i can't stand this sort of behavior. when i tell you, in exactly these words,
'hey, i am not going to have sex with you tonight. you knew that and circumstances have not changed and although it might happen another time, not tonight.'
and then he proceeds to be pushy and tries to initiate sex over and over again. i guess i was pretty annoyed. and sad for all the girls out there who i know have been with him and said yes even when they want to say no. don't fuckin' disrespect me. when i say no, i mean no. fuck you for trying to pressure me into something other than no.
have respect for women. don't pull your bullshit. i am walking home now. thank you and have a good night - you just ruined your chances of ever getting a piece of this. i am a strong woman and i do what i want and i get what i want, including being with the men i want. you are not one of those men. and i am not sorry about it.

atheistic tendencies and hedonsitic indulgences.

there are things that i know about life. with absolute certainty. things that are human nature and to deny them would be delusional. i had this great conversation today with steve about practicing non-attachment. that we humans feel pain as a result of becoming attached to an idea of how we think things should be. we expect a relationship to be a certain way and when it is not - we hurt. this is manifested in anger and sadness.

for lessons in the way of non-attachment i must thank a boy I know. you know - seriously man, way to convince me that things are a certain way. getting me to believe something that seemed absurd to begin with. you had me. and then you rock my fuckin' world and it is beyond me to understand how any of it is possible but clearly i became attached to some expectation of the person you are that was not realistic or true. obviously we both have something to learn about life and pain and thinking things are a certain way when they are not.

all of this reinforces my agnostic and atheistic tendencies. on the agnosticism - i don't know. ever. i experience. what is happening now is real but there can be no belief in an understanding that transcends what is happening at this moment in time. if we are walking home together or cooking and eating together, or fucking - these things are real and relevant in that moment that they occur. i can not expect that you want to fuck tomorrow. i can not expect that you want to see me ever again. there is pain in reflecting on this.

the atheistic tendencies tell me that i create my reality - that i make meaning in my life and so this is how i can cope with the fact that i exist. thankfully - you are not the thing that makes my life relevant. you are the ultimate accessory, the thing that sets it all off. there is value in who i am and the life i live has meaning - to me and to other people and so i create this stunning reality that makes it all worth doing. you bring happiness, make it all more intense - to the point that i question if i should spend any time with you.

fuck. you are such a hedonistic indulgence. there is nothing good about becoming so absorbed in someone else and the moments you spend with them that you can not live your life and get the things done that go beyond them. you are so fucking intense man. it is addictive. i want to be with you every moment of every day - even now - with all your bullshit - i want to immerse myself in you. what a totally shitty feeling.

you told me to go out and find someone better than you - someone who deserves me. i have done that ten times over in the last couple of months. my life will move past you. but i will always - ALWAYS love you and that is something that hurts me every time i think about it because i will never be able to give all of me to someone else, you have claimed a part of me that is all yours and no matter how much i love someone else - there is this tiny and significant piece that is all yours.

it is a terrible and beautiful thing.

create some good in the world today

there are days when i am conscious of how many excellent people there are in my little world. i think about this and i feel like there is nothing more i want in life than to look around me and be able to see great people. this require effort. it is so easy to be self conscious, to not trust, to be destructive, to criticize and see weakness. our society cultivates this sort of attitude. we are surrounded by war and exploitative capitalism. it makes it hard for me to see the good that is there.
i am learning to see it. because yeah - it matters. i mean, why am i here? if i am conscious of my experience i want to create one that i think is worth having. and it feels good to be happy.
i wake up and i can see the goodness in the world. i am not blind to the bad, but seeing the good makes it easier to create more of it. because everyone wants and needs that in their life.

finding balance

laughing woman told me that i will always struggle to decide between my instinct to being a mother and all the energy i have to be out in the world doing and having a career. they are similar in a lot of ways. . . i create, i guide, i lead, i make decisions, i organize, i plan - but one is very personal and the other quite externalized.
i feel this everyday - my son is beautiful, i love him very much. i have found a way to be with him and love the time we spend together. but all the rest of my energy goes into the things i do out in the world.
sometimes i wonder if the two things are at odds with each other. by being a mother i have learned patience. i have learned how to say the same things again and again, in different ways, until i am heard. these are things that serve me in my life when i am not parenting.
i think what i take away from her comments would be this - i create a separation between these two things. in the context of my life they become opposing forces. but there can be balance. my challenge is to find that - not to choose one or the other.

things i think about you

i think you live in fear of living the life you want and dream. i think you are afraid of loving me more than i love you. i think you are afraid you can't live up to whatever expectations you imagine i might have for you. i think you want to walk away before i might have the chance to hurt you. i think you can't understand that i accept you just the way you are, that i love you for who you are and want to be.

you go out into the world and surround yourself with superficial relationships and then you call me to talk about how they don't understand you or relate to the things you care about. i wonder why you do this. why you chose this path. i accept it but i don't understand it.

leap year

there are stars tonight.
it has been a while.
we have had rain, ice snow, more rain, sleet, clouds, snow, ice, clouds and rain.
today there was sun and now there are stars.
the sun and the stars make it easier to be happy.

they say that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.

that does not sound so good when you say February. but with global warming - you just don't know anymore and perhaps February it is.

thank you

you showed me what it is to be happy.
somehow i had lost it. i existed in a world of sadness. i did not laugh. i did not feel joy. i was so self absorbed, all i could see were my own problems. completely immersed in my own unhappiness.
to rediscover laughter and love for life, to realize how i was and decide to change, to have you there encouraging me to change.
i thank you for this.
whatever we are now (because i am not sure and really i just ignore the question everytime i see you) you gave this to me and it is what i needed in my life.
i love you. i always will. you have affected me in ways that no one else ever has. whatever there is between us, there is the laughter and the joy and these are the things that make life bearable. i look for them in other people and i find them. laughter brings meaning into my life.
sharing in the joy of being with others; this brings so much happiness and purpose to everything i do and you showed it to me, you gave it to me freely when i was too blind to see how it would change my life.
so thank you.
maybe you read this, maybe you know all these things that i share.
perhaps this thank you will go unnoticed.
either way, i am telling the world that you - one small person - changed me and i am but one small person.
but it matters - it really does.
you have set me free.

what was i thinking?

sometimes i look back on the three years of my life that were spent living in a dirt house and i wonder what went wrong. how did that happen?
do you have things like that in your life? things you believe in. you think you can do it and your whole life is absorbed by it and then it just fizzles.
a lot to learn from it i know, but i can not see it yet.
the only thing i can see about it right now is that there is nothing you can do to ignore who you really are and what you really need in life. nothing at all. try to lie to yourself about what you want and unhappiness fills every nook and cranny.
i knew right from the start that it was not my path, it was a beautiful idea but not my life work. building houses out of the earth, living away from people out in the country. . . not my passion.
i managed to know what i don't want and there must be something to that.

sometimes music makes me weep

i love music. it is a huge part of my life. i spent many years training to be a professional musician and my heart was broken by the reality of what that life would mean for me. i decided that i could not emotionally withstand the life of a classical musician.
the intensity. traveling, competition, isolation.
my friend steve called me up one day and told me he had gotten a job and i started to go on about how great it was. . . he said it was in Tokyo and he didn't think he was going to take it.
Tokyo is a long way away.
the choice to let it slip away was hard - letting go of dreams, well that is never easy. i don't think about it often but sometimes i will remember and it makes me weep. sometimes i hear a piece i played or something that reminds me of that part of my life and i just cry and cry.

i still love music. all kinds of music. i am always looking for something new. lately I have been spending a lot of time at Daytrotter - and tonight i found something i feel like sharing. they are playing in bloomington on March 31.