He told me that his x-girlfriend was an alcoholic. He spent two years trying to save her. Two years of holding back her hair when she vomited. Two years down the drain.
He told me that I can't fix someone. They have to decide they want to change.
I know this, I tell it to other people all the time. I told him that I know it and he accused me of being blind to it in my own fucked up relationship. He asked me why I would even bother with someone who treated me the way that this guy had, why do I think I can change him? Why would I sit around waiting for him to change?
He is right, again. I make excuses for my behavior because. . . well, I am not really sure why. Actually - he told me why. He called me a nurturer and said there is nothing wrong with being that way but there are times when it is misplaced.
How is it that it takes an almost stranger to make me see that I am trying to force change upon someone else? How is it that he completely destroyed this delusion that was consuming me? How does the universe make these things happen? I am amazed.
I am reminded that I can live my life and be happy but that I can not make someone else better or happy, that it comes from within. There are folks out there who think the same thing and I need to spend more time with them.
Overheard something the other night that went sort of like this - 'I'm doing fine, working through some stuff, there are people in my life who want to stop me from being who I want to be and I am not going to let them. . . ."
4.24.2008
4.23.2008
what? really? oh my. . .
I have these moments where I have to wonder about what I am thinking. I reflect on the things I would rather ignore or imagine to be a different way. I had one of these moments earlier this week.
It was so odd, somehow a nearly complete stranger sat down and asked me a question that I felt like answering honestly. I sorta know this guy but we are not close friends by any means and to have him spend the next hour discussing some of the core issues in my life was shocking.
He rattled me. Every word out of his mouth was the truth. The advice he gave was intense and personal and every bit of it right. I don't understand experiences like that. It was incredibly cathartic. I left feeling ripped apart and by the time I walked a couple of blocks, I felt this sense of relief and lightness that I have not had in months.
I have to say that he was incredibly open about his life and the stuff he was going through. We talked about jobs and relationships and life.
He called me defeatist and made a reasonable case for why he was right. That I believe that no matter what I do, no matter how good something is, it is doomed to fail. The goodness of that particular thing can not last.
He is right.
I also believe that in the face of all the crap, the only thing to do is find something to bring joy into your life, the smell of flowers in the air or an exceptional cup of tea. . .
There was something about hearing the truth. Perhaps my friends can't see this truth. Perhaps they are unwilling to tell me. That's okay though, because he said it and I listened and it changed how I look at the world a little.
It was so odd, somehow a nearly complete stranger sat down and asked me a question that I felt like answering honestly. I sorta know this guy but we are not close friends by any means and to have him spend the next hour discussing some of the core issues in my life was shocking.
He rattled me. Every word out of his mouth was the truth. The advice he gave was intense and personal and every bit of it right. I don't understand experiences like that. It was incredibly cathartic. I left feeling ripped apart and by the time I walked a couple of blocks, I felt this sense of relief and lightness that I have not had in months.
I have to say that he was incredibly open about his life and the stuff he was going through. We talked about jobs and relationships and life.
He called me defeatist and made a reasonable case for why he was right. That I believe that no matter what I do, no matter how good something is, it is doomed to fail. The goodness of that particular thing can not last.
He is right.
I also believe that in the face of all the crap, the only thing to do is find something to bring joy into your life, the smell of flowers in the air or an exceptional cup of tea. . .
There was something about hearing the truth. Perhaps my friends can't see this truth. Perhaps they are unwilling to tell me. That's okay though, because he said it and I listened and it changed how I look at the world a little.
4.05.2008
just wondering
i wonder if i want to sleep on my couch tonight. i mean, it is better than the floor. i have a bed but i am a bit bored of it. i suppose i will figure everything out. it is better than some of the places i could be right now.
really let's think about it. what girl has not done it - gone home with some guy who really can't even be called a friend. most recently, for me, he was an acquaintance. i thought that i really liked this guy. a super interesting fellow who was into a lot of the same books and music i was. but you know what i realized, too late? i can't stand him. i really think he is obnoxious and pushy and annoying and how unfortunate because we have a lot in common. the way things work i guess. regardless of all that, i am now going to tell you the worst part of it all.
he has no respect for women and the word no. seriously. i can't stand this sort of behavior. when i tell you, in exactly these words,
'hey, i am not going to have sex with you tonight. you knew that and circumstances have not changed and although it might happen another time, not tonight.'
and then he proceeds to be pushy and tries to initiate sex over and over again. i guess i was pretty annoyed. and sad for all the girls out there who i know have been with him and said yes even when they want to say no. don't fuckin' disrespect me. when i say no, i mean no. fuck you for trying to pressure me into something other than no.
have respect for women. don't pull your bullshit. i am walking home now. thank you and have a good night - you just ruined your chances of ever getting a piece of this. i am a strong woman and i do what i want and i get what i want, including being with the men i want. you are not one of those men. and i am not sorry about it.
really let's think about it. what girl has not done it - gone home with some guy who really can't even be called a friend. most recently, for me, he was an acquaintance. i thought that i really liked this guy. a super interesting fellow who was into a lot of the same books and music i was. but you know what i realized, too late? i can't stand him. i really think he is obnoxious and pushy and annoying and how unfortunate because we have a lot in common. the way things work i guess. regardless of all that, i am now going to tell you the worst part of it all.
he has no respect for women and the word no. seriously. i can't stand this sort of behavior. when i tell you, in exactly these words,
'hey, i am not going to have sex with you tonight. you knew that and circumstances have not changed and although it might happen another time, not tonight.'
and then he proceeds to be pushy and tries to initiate sex over and over again. i guess i was pretty annoyed. and sad for all the girls out there who i know have been with him and said yes even when they want to say no. don't fuckin' disrespect me. when i say no, i mean no. fuck you for trying to pressure me into something other than no.
have respect for women. don't pull your bullshit. i am walking home now. thank you and have a good night - you just ruined your chances of ever getting a piece of this. i am a strong woman and i do what i want and i get what i want, including being with the men i want. you are not one of those men. and i am not sorry about it.
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