thinking about Camus

life can be magnificent and overwhelming. that is it's whole tragedy. without beauty, love, or danger it would almost be easy to live. ~albert camus

i think that it is so hard to stay in that space. it is easy to be safe.
it is hard to trust in yourself and know that it is about living and experiencing,
to be responsible for what happens in our lives,
to appreciate all of it.

i get attached to what I expect other people to be and this is the root of any pain. i was so attached to that in my marriage and tried to turn him into what I expected him to be. i wonder why. is it my own insecurity? does his way of being define who i am?

can i love someone and not have an expectation for who they are or what their experience should be like?

to be with someone and enjoy the love and hurt and joy of it.

to be open to what others can teach us - to hear what they say, to be a part of their experience without losing myself in it. . . .

in the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer. ~albert camus

mango sparkle

can i tell you a secret?
he has walked into my life and I am unable to describe what he is to me.
sometimes he is nothing at all -
there are moments where I immerse myself and he is everything.

sitting and talking
peeling and eating it
juice dripping from fingertips to be licked away unabashedly
unthinking - transported

a tiny thing sparkling in a secret corner of my mind.

is it what it seems to be?

traveler - alone in the nighttime of a sunny-day fairy tale finds himself (suddenly) in the middle of the queens dark dream and no way out. the scones look good but the black raspberries carry death and intrigue. (why is the cow in the middle of the road?) eating one he finds himself to be a scone and suddenly the queen cow is presented with him for afternoon tea. . . (since when do cows enjoy tea with scones - most certainly i thought them to be salad eating types.)
there is nothing to do in this situation other than to decide if he is happy being a scone - eaten at tea by an unnaturally bovine lady queen or if it is a situation to flee and seek his fortune in other lands among the corsairs and brunching munching sharks of the high seas. . . .