atheistic tendencies and hedonsitic indulgences.

there are things that i know about life. with absolute certainty. things that are human nature and to deny them would be delusional. i had this great conversation today with steve about practicing non-attachment. that we humans feel pain as a result of becoming attached to an idea of how we think things should be. we expect a relationship to be a certain way and when it is not - we hurt. this is manifested in anger and sadness.

for lessons in the way of non-attachment i must thank a boy I know. you know - seriously man, way to convince me that things are a certain way. getting me to believe something that seemed absurd to begin with. you had me. and then you rock my fuckin' world and it is beyond me to understand how any of it is possible but clearly i became attached to some expectation of the person you are that was not realistic or true. obviously we both have something to learn about life and pain and thinking things are a certain way when they are not.

all of this reinforces my agnostic and atheistic tendencies. on the agnosticism - i don't know. ever. i experience. what is happening now is real but there can be no belief in an understanding that transcends what is happening at this moment in time. if we are walking home together or cooking and eating together, or fucking - these things are real and relevant in that moment that they occur. i can not expect that you want to fuck tomorrow. i can not expect that you want to see me ever again. there is pain in reflecting on this.

the atheistic tendencies tell me that i create my reality - that i make meaning in my life and so this is how i can cope with the fact that i exist. thankfully - you are not the thing that makes my life relevant. you are the ultimate accessory, the thing that sets it all off. there is value in who i am and the life i live has meaning - to me and to other people and so i create this stunning reality that makes it all worth doing. you bring happiness, make it all more intense - to the point that i question if i should spend any time with you.

fuck. you are such a hedonistic indulgence. there is nothing good about becoming so absorbed in someone else and the moments you spend with them that you can not live your life and get the things done that go beyond them. you are so fucking intense man. it is addictive. i want to be with you every moment of every day - even now - with all your bullshit - i want to immerse myself in you. what a totally shitty feeling.

you told me to go out and find someone better than you - someone who deserves me. i have done that ten times over in the last couple of months. my life will move past you. but i will always - ALWAYS love you and that is something that hurts me every time i think about it because i will never be able to give all of me to someone else, you have claimed a part of me that is all yours and no matter how much i love someone else - there is this tiny and significant piece that is all yours.

it is a terrible and beautiful thing.

create some good in the world today

there are days when i am conscious of how many excellent people there are in my little world. i think about this and i feel like there is nothing more i want in life than to look around me and be able to see great people. this require effort. it is so easy to be self conscious, to not trust, to be destructive, to criticize and see weakness. our society cultivates this sort of attitude. we are surrounded by war and exploitative capitalism. it makes it hard for me to see the good that is there.
i am learning to see it. because yeah - it matters. i mean, why am i here? if i am conscious of my experience i want to create one that i think is worth having. and it feels good to be happy.
i wake up and i can see the goodness in the world. i am not blind to the bad, but seeing the good makes it easier to create more of it. because everyone wants and needs that in their life.

finding balance

laughing woman told me that i will always struggle to decide between my instinct to being a mother and all the energy i have to be out in the world doing and having a career. they are similar in a lot of ways. . . i create, i guide, i lead, i make decisions, i organize, i plan - but one is very personal and the other quite externalized.
i feel this everyday - my son is beautiful, i love him very much. i have found a way to be with him and love the time we spend together. but all the rest of my energy goes into the things i do out in the world.
sometimes i wonder if the two things are at odds with each other. by being a mother i have learned patience. i have learned how to say the same things again and again, in different ways, until i am heard. these are things that serve me in my life when i am not parenting.
i think what i take away from her comments would be this - i create a separation between these two things. in the context of my life they become opposing forces. but there can be balance. my challenge is to find that - not to choose one or the other.

things i think about you

i think you live in fear of living the life you want and dream. i think you are afraid of loving me more than i love you. i think you are afraid you can't live up to whatever expectations you imagine i might have for you. i think you want to walk away before i might have the chance to hurt you. i think you can't understand that i accept you just the way you are, that i love you for who you are and want to be.

you go out into the world and surround yourself with superficial relationships and then you call me to talk about how they don't understand you or relate to the things you care about. i wonder why you do this. why you chose this path. i accept it but i don't understand it.