tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80033753134134252812011-04-21T15:00:36.509-04:00a mix of fact, complete fiction, poetry, hearsay, things that are yet to be said, truth destined for lonely myth and the subjective observations of a lover of all things absurd.sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.comBlogger421100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-24662311873737929922008-09-21T20:46:00.003-04:002008-09-21T21:18:41.254-04:00

so i have been blogging at a new place.visit me at jennepenneand if you would like to hear about my food adventures visit me atcook.eat.drink.laughsee you.

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-78615401044701128832008-05-25T12:22:00.004-04:002008-05-25T12:32:58.744-04:00

After eight years of being with one person and thinking of my life within a certain context, I find it challenging to begin again. There are days when I am not sure who I am or what I am doing with my life. It is not that he was my whole world but my life formed itself around that relationship and without it I feel this freedom to be something different. Sometimes it is overwhelming - being

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-49804101357717966702008-05-18T20:29:00.004-04:002008-05-21T17:06:23.141-04:00

I had a most wonderful, idle, weekend. There is something to be said for idleness and I am perfecting the art in my life. I find that too often I have so many things to do that I try to do two or three at once and I am left feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by all of it.I need to make room for doing nothing, for sitting in quiet thought, for walking hand in hand with no real destination. Time for

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-80464512574566159852008-05-17T00:28:00.001-04:002008-05-21T17:18:25.310-04:00

he finally called - of course. he was at work - duh. he wants to get together - of course.thank you for your kindness, there is nothing easy about this path I choose. it is made easier for knowing that there are people like you who are willing to be a friend and listen to all of this, to offer words to advice and caring, thoughtful reminders that I have a beautiful life even when he is not in

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-14911156377642042652008-05-14T00:30:00.006-04:002008-05-14T16:41:01.773-04:00

I cried more tonight than I have in months. He terrifies me.The things he asks of me are more than I have ever given to anyone else in my life. Complete forgiveness when I would rather hold a grudge. Trust when there is absolutely no reason why I should trust him again. These emotional battles are the most challenging things in my life now and maybe ever. . . so far.Giving my heart and soul into

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-66339716582117786002008-05-11T21:59:00.002-04:002008-05-11T22:02:05.709-04:00

Ethan: "Happy Mother's Day, I love you." Me: "I love you very much sweetie. I am glad that I am your mom!"Ethan: "Me too! I just wanted to tell you, that without you, I wouldn't be alive."Ethan is 6 years old and I love him more than anything or anyone. Pretty amazing what being a mom does to your life.

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-62360188418221246462008-05-09T20:50:00.002-04:002008-05-09T20:52:51.211-04:00

from xkcd

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-77844557309935634462008-05-08T23:05:00.004-04:002008-05-08T23:13:49.682-04:00

I don't have a big brother. I grew up as the oldest with just one little brother. I don't ask him for advice - it is not how we are. So when I need big brother advice, I find that I am stuck.Tonight I called a friend of mine, he is just a few years older than me, and I asked him to be my designated big brother. He has a way of listening, asking questions, and giving advice that I imagine to be

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-50668556277808781202008-05-07T22:14:00.012-04:002008-05-07T23:56:26.721-04:00

My phone rang on Monday and it was the last person I expected to hear from. I felt ill. What does he want? He calls me after a month of absolutely no communication and wants to see me that very evening. Why? Why could he want that and why would I agree to it? My birthday. I agreed to spend my birthday with him. We spent nearly four and a half hours together when I had planned to give him no more

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-51501426839239267492008-04-24T22:32:00.005-04:002008-04-24T22:59:13.948-04:00

He told me that his x-girlfriend was an alcoholic. He spent two years trying to save her. Two years of holding back her hair when she vomited. Two years down the drain. He told me that I can't fix someone. They have to decide they want to change. I know this, I tell it to other people all the time. I told him that I know it and he accused me of being blind to it in my own fucked up relationship.

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-42666189073557818122008-04-23T23:04:00.004-04:002008-04-24T23:52:21.443-04:00

I have these moments where I have to wonder about what I am thinking. I reflect on the things I would rather ignore or imagine to be a different way. I had one of these moments earlier this week. It was so odd, somehow a nearly complete stranger sat down and asked me a question that I felt like answering honestly. I sorta know this guy but we are not close friends by any means and to have him

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-22923169073630583612008-04-05T01:26:00.005-04:002008-05-21T17:19:25.416-04:00

i wonder if i want to sleep on my couch tonight. i mean, it is better than the floor. i have a bed but i am a bit bored of it. i suppose i will figure everything out. it is better than some of the places i could be right now.really let's think about it. what girl has not done it - gone home with some guy who really can't even be called a friend. most recently, for me, he was an acquaintance. i

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-86398063778951138022008-03-27T01:11:00.009-04:002008-03-27T01:21:20.045-04:00

there are things that i know about life. with absolute certainty. things that are human nature and to deny them would be delusional. i had this great conversation today with steve about practicing non-attachment. that we humans feel pain as a result of becoming attached to an idea of how we think things should be. we expect a relationship to be a certain way and when it is not - we hurt. this

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-58156989429360419992008-03-22T13:22:00.004-04:002008-03-22T13:33:01.243-04:00

there are days when i am conscious of how many excellent people there are in my little world. i think about this and i feel like there is nothing more i want in life than to look around me and be able to see great people. this require effort. it is so easy to be self conscious, to not trust, to be destructive, to criticize and see weakness. our society cultivates this sort of attitude. we are

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-91993662517154852022008-03-13T23:00:00.005-04:002008-03-13T23:06:58.573-04:00

laughing woman told me that i will always struggle to decide between my instinct to being a mother and all the energy i have to be out in the world doing and having a career. they are similar in a lot of ways. . . i create, i guide, i lead, i make decisions, i organize, i plan - but one is very personal and the other quite externalized. i feel this everyday - my son is beautiful, i love him very

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-26831208707398734552008-03-05T17:16:00.003-05:002008-03-05T17:27:06.851-05:00

i think you live in fear of living the life you want and dream. i think you are afraid of loving me more than i love you. i think you are afraid you can't live up to whatever expectations you imagine i might have for you. i think you want to walk away before i might have the chance to hurt you. i think you can't understand that i accept you just the way you are, that i love you for who you are

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-71765752216378302572008-02-29T23:49:00.004-05:002008-02-29T23:52:30.440-05:00

there are stars tonight.it has been a while.we have had rain, ice snow, more rain, sleet, clouds, snow, ice, clouds and rain.today there was sun and now there are stars.the sun and the stars make it easier to be happy.they say that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.that does not sound so good when you say February. but with global warming - you just don't know anymore and

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-4749757008541751772008-02-29T23:37:00.004-05:002008-02-29T23:49:05.072-05:00

you showed me what it is to be happy.somehow i had lost it. i existed in a world of sadness. i did not laugh. i did not feel joy. i was so self absorbed, all i could see were my own problems. completely immersed in my own unhappiness.to rediscover laughter and love for life, to realize how i was and decide to change, to have you there encouraging me to change.i thank you for this.whatever we

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-83564005039714705302008-02-25T01:35:00.005-05:002008-02-25T02:03:59.434-05:00

sometimes i look back on the three years of my life that were spent living in a dirt house and i wonder what went wrong. how did that happen?do you have things like that in your life? things you believe in. you think you can do it and your whole life is absorbed by it and then it just fizzles.a lot to learn from it i know, but i can not see it yet.the only thing i can see about it right now is

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-73819739517909188982008-02-20T22:50:00.007-05:002008-02-20T23:47:33.920-05:00

i love music. it is a huge part of my life. i spent many years training to be a professional musician and my heart was broken by the reality of what that life would mean for me. i decided that i could not emotionally withstand the life of a classical musician.the intensity. traveling, competition, isolation.my friend steve called me up one day and told me he had gotten a job and i started to go

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-4525144761346652312008-02-15T00:06:00.005-05:002008-02-15T00:25:40.667-05:00

That's what it is all about. We manage the fear.Courage is acting in the face of fear. Life is full of courageous acts. For some people, going out the door in the morning takes courage. Some people never make it out their door.Death, food poisoning, spiders, failure, goats, what other people think of me, loneliness, deep water - all these things affect me. They are fears that shape my day.I

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-82902311692579878812008-01-28T01:04:00.001-05:002008-02-15T01:09:06.970-05:00

i go outand i meet these people - wonderful peopleand as usual they teach me things about life.this happens every time i set foot out my door and i am still amazed by it.meeting people who know who i am -what a curious thought, living in a town long enough that i am familiar and they recognize meand when the night is over we go our own waystalouseit changes my life each time it happensshould i

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-12617606932522095882008-01-26T02:05:00.001-05:002008-01-26T02:15:04.708-05:00

i wake up each morning and drag my ass out of bed knowing that it must be done. i would rather stay under the covers, i would rather hide away from the big, scary world but it is impossible.so i do what i must. i go out into the world and try to be excellent. i try to exceed my own expectations. there is so much potential and possibility for each day and i struggle with realizing even a small

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-28256508952322443582008-01-25T00:00:00.001-05:002008-01-25T00:08:09.122-05:00

sometimes i think these 'feelings for someone else' that you keep talking about are how you avoid whatever is really going on. they are irrelevant to me. i don't believe in or care about the excuse that you create. i care about us and what is really going on in our relationship.talk to me about that.tell me about us and what you think about,what are you afraid of, and why do you create this

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-87035196410433810412008-01-24T23:25:00.000-05:002008-01-25T00:09:18.393-05:00

there are so many wonderful people in this world.the greatest tragedy is to realize, when we are busy saying our goodbyes, that i love and respect someone and they love and respect me.to realize what i have missed - to realize what could have been.to see that i have missed an opportunity to have a great friendship. . .it is a great friendship. the affection, dedication, and caring is there.i just

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-77985563196463110632008-01-24T00:54:00.000-05:002008-01-24T10:31:08.136-05:00

i saw the big man today - he asked me 'how are you'(he had this look, as though he could read my mind)and I replied, with a smile, 'I'm well.'when what i want to say isi am hurt and angry,confused and frustrated,and very sad. . . .but i am also excited - life is full of changes and possibilitiesthere is so much opportunity i love my lifei would not change it for the worldbut i am very sadfunny

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-38115014270734298542008-01-22T03:28:00.000-05:002008-01-24T01:04:40.493-05:00

i learned something tonightlife is all about the people.beautiful people. they change.they come and go - you might only know them for a few hours but they are beautiful.makes life worth living - the people do.nick, tiffany, mr.Florida - i might never see them againon a plane tomorrowbut they taught me something about life, about living itconnecting with others - no matter if you know them for

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-38821675785494665672008-01-20T00:36:00.000-05:002008-01-20T01:23:46.037-05:00

what is it when desire is not quite a want or longing but it is mixed with nostalgia even before you have possessed the thing you so desire?a thought that feels deeper than fancying something new - it is as though it is a return to something long forgotten, absent, missing. . .this is a strange feeling - and to face it each day makes it stranger. i do not know myself. it reinforces the lack of

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-51730302333683491882008-01-10T22:52:00.000-05:002008-01-10T23:03:22.683-05:00

i am grateful for friends and i forget how much they care. i get so lost inside my own life - inside my own version of reality and i forget they are watching and caring.a friend of mine told me yesterday she was upset that lately i had forgotten her (or so it seemed) and it had been spoken of among my friends.she is amazing - and she cares so much, i am ashamed at knowing she felt this way.it is

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-54831309705318006482008-01-09T21:58:00.000-05:002008-01-10T22:52:34.305-05:00

the insanity of enjoying someoneso much that i lose myself in himone day i come up for airi wonder, do i give myself over to this?do i let myself go?then one day he is out of reach - out of touch(i think of the night i wanted a bedtime storyit had been a very long dayhe read Beowulf - I was asleep in his lapso sweet - so incredibly sweet)i struggle to find balancethe joy of being together

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-88352633942424413352008-01-05T10:44:00.000-05:002008-01-10T22:47:52.055-05:00

sometimes i feel like my family is wackyclearly they have shaped mebut it is so hard to be near motherit is like a mirror that shows me all the thingsi could, but never want, to bei am thankful for the reminderbut wish it did not take days for her influence to wash away

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-86247406233455930642007-12-15T22:10:00.000-05:002008-01-10T22:18:58.276-05:00

somehow i have ended up in a placei never expected to be(thinking i know thingsthinking i can plan things)it shows me truths i am afraid to see.i can only wonder at what the rest of my life might bring -i can only plan for the things that i do -there is comfort in knowing this.but right now - my dreams that lit the way are gonethe darkness is a lonely place to be.

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-66923426633236617092007-11-04T22:19:00.000-05:002008-01-10T22:29:31.843-05:00

you just never knowwhat something will beuntil you make it real in your lifeall the dreamsthe imaginations of educated and experienced soulscan not predict, forsee, or gaze into that crystalto know what two people might share togetherwho is there among us who does not insist upon tryingwho is it that does not think they knowwhat will be or might bebefore it ever isthis creates all manner of

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-42702122067585931562007-10-13T22:30:00.000-04:002008-01-23T02:31:25.423-05:00

life can be magnificent and overwhelming. that is it's whole tragedy. without beauty, love, or danger it would almost be easy to live. ~albert camusi think that it is so hard to stay in that space. it is easy to be safe.it is hard to trust in yourself and know that it is about living and experiencing,to be responsible for what happens in our lives,to appreciate all of it.i get attached to what I

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-73138263673899053432007-10-08T22:56:00.000-04:002008-01-10T22:50:15.858-05:00

can i tell you a secret?he has walked into my life and I am unable to describe what he is to me. sometimes he is nothing at all - there are moments where I immerse myself and he is everything.sitting and talkingpeeling and eating itjuice dripping from fingertips to be licked away unabashedlyunthinking - transporteda tiny thing sparkling in a secret corner of my mind.

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-54920260597399779172007-10-02T23:43:00.000-04:002007-10-14T00:36:13.314-04:00

traveler - alone in the nighttime of a sunny-day fairy tale finds himself (suddenly) in the middle of the queens dark dream and no way out. the scones look good but the black raspberries carry death and intrigue. (why is the cow in the middle of the road?) eating one he finds himself to be a scone and suddenly the queen cow is presented with him for afternoon tea. . . (since when do cows enjoy

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-40362676386699363602007-09-23T23:39:00.000-04:002007-10-14T00:37:07.179-04:00

silence contains my truthbut silence does as it always has - the keeper of great secretsempty words hangspeaking around 'the thing'bubble inside the imagination of a distant universe. . . .is it real somewhere beyond this hubble volume? things may never come to passif i think themif we imagine themwhen do they become history?

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-21162344382887200882007-09-18T00:30:00.000-04:002007-10-14T00:37:29.621-04:00

i am. . .what is this bullshit i put out into the worldlike the world cares(maybe no one reads this)nausea inducing - head spinning - drunken on my own bullshiti thought that perhaps I do this as a form of self expressionwhat if I put my thoughts out there for someone else to happen across?now I do it and I wonder - what am i talking aboutis this really what I think about?i am beginning to regret

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-49920125497641203522007-09-17T22:43:00.000-04:002008-01-11T21:33:14.690-05:00

what about the rare and irresistible people who amaze and delight with every word - every action a fascination. what do you do when one of them walks in, sits down and makes themselves a part of your life?you know what I mean - get inside my head and rattle around there for days on end.perhaps then i forget a bit, the spell wears off and i manage to get on with my life until the next

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-74218356934504015592007-09-17T22:41:00.000-04:002007-10-14T00:38:20.164-04:00

dew collects on the lips of a god and falls to earthi breathe it in and gather it all aroundcloaking myself in the pieces of you-nessgasping in the void -it(bright) looms above.feeding on the secret of this thing.words fall on dull earssucked into the unknown dark between usis there a star burning brightly on the other side?am i to burn among the gods.(but the words - what happens if i say the

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-38904516107384539212007-09-14T00:42:00.000-04:002007-10-14T00:38:31.946-04:00

Wanderer, your footsteps are the road, and nothing more;wanderer, there is no road, the road is made by walking.By walking one makes the road, and upon glancing behind one sees the path that never will be trod again.Wanderer, there is no road-- Only wakes upon the sea.Antonio Machadoi think it is a beautiful idea.

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003375313413425281.post-63112729393672621832007-09-13T22:54:00.000-04:002007-10-14T00:38:51.078-04:00

“The secret of life is to have a task, something you devote your entire life to, something you bring everything to, every minute of your life, and the most important thing is, it must be something you cannot possibly do.'-British sculptor Henry Moorethe utter confusion of the human experience.yesterday, i thought i had a pretty good idea of what is actually going on.then today, i end up confused

sarabelumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04605410225634303549noreply@blogger.com